Datasets:

---

myothiha

/

jokes

like 1

Got head from a Midget last night... I guess you could say I was blown out of proportion...

Why couldn't you hear the pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pterodactyl is extinct.

Is it a rule now that Betty White has to be in everything? Because she is simply ruining this porn for me.

What's the useless skin around a vagina called? A woman.

I'd probably have more friends if I didn't answer every call with ""Why did you save my number?""

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said ""Aww, look at him!"" What I'm saying is, don't turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

Kim Davis becoming a Republican, dealing a huge blow to the ""intolerant homophobic religious fundamentalist"" wing of the Democratic Party.

Kylo Ren/Ben Solo got a head start with completing his comic book collection he's already got all the daddy issues

[dinner party] *host clinks glass* ""Everyone we're having a baby""! *whispers to other guest* ""Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.""

Girl are you a mathematician? 'Cause you turn my quadratic parabola into a linear straight line.

What will they call Bruce Jenner after the final sex-change operation? Sluice

How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his tea before it was cool.

Twitter: where strangers will explain your joke back to you.

Went out dressed as a chicken last night and got with a girl who was dressed as an egg and a life-long question was answered... Turns out, it was the chicken!

I need some Asian jokes As an Asian American I have never had the satisfaction of ever hearing an Asian joke that was anything but mediocre. I JUST WANNA BE OFFENDED GOD DAMN IT!

What kind of tea does water make? Humiditea.

I like my women like I like my coffee Ground up and in the Freezer

What type of gum does a Buddhist perfer? Enlightenmint! More Gum Jokes!

Why do waiters like Gorillas better than flies? Did you ever hear a customer complain 'Waiter there's a Gorilla in my soup!'

A bunch of NBA players decided to have a holiday party. They each brought a pass to dish.

I spent all day yesterday putting my old watches together to make a belt. When I finally finished I realized it was just a huge waste of time.

If you watch Intervention backwards, it's about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

Hey girl, are you a fire alarm? 'Cause you get triggered from the smallest of things

Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I. Classic from ""What About Bob""

1816: a grizzly bear ate my mom as she fetched drinking water. 1916: I'm in a muddy trench, bleeding internally. 2016: IM OFFENDED!

How did the hillbilly find his sister in the woods? Pretty Hot.

Case against Congress A guy walks into his agent's office and says, ""Got a great movie idea. Guy hates Congress wants to bring them down."" Agent looks up and says, ""We'll never get the backing!""

Feed your kids soup for dinner, so you can sit at the table for 47 minutes and listening to slurping.

""You know what they say about blind prostitutes?"" ...""You've really got to hand it to them."" -Fred Willard

Writing with a dull pencil is pointless...

What type structural support do you make out of phone books? A call-em

A Chinese man goes to the doctor because of failing eyesight. DR. ""Mr. wong it looks like you have a cataract."" Mr. Wong "" No no I drive Rincon.""

My bathroom smells like somebody just took a shit when I walked out of it.

Q. What do accountants use for birth-control? A. Their personalities.

A horse walks into a bar. The other customers promptly get up and leave, seeing the potential danger in the situation

Why was Hitler late for work? He tried driving a new route to work, but instead of taking the second left, he took the third reich.

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down* Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I've had a pretty wild week...

I remember being told that everytime you shave it off, it grows back thicker Can't wait to see my new cock.

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

Wife: ""I've made the chicken soup"" ""Thank god for that. I thought we had to eat it!""

How do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake.

""The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.""

Did you hear about the Ramen warehouse that burned down? Dozens of dollars worth of Ramen was lost.

What's up with these strippers not taking my singles??? They must not like Kraft

Why was the energizer bunny arrested? He got a battery charge.

If you love someone: 1. Set them free 2. Drunk dial them 3. Read too much into their FB posts 4. Make them feel sorry for you 5. Die alone

Two scientists walk into a bar. One asks for H2O, and the other asks for H2O too. They both die because the bar was in Flint, Michigan

Q: Why are doctors sued for malpractice at the beach? A: Because they are judged by a jury of their piers.

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend *ring ring* ME: Hello FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

Saw a new machine at the gym, but could only use it for 20mins before it made me sick It was great... it had M&M's, Skittles, you name it!

I knew you would come crawling back to me. Shut up and give me back the wheelchair.

accidentally added a ""z"" to the end of the word ""think"" in a text and suddenly my jeans are sagging below my ass and i have 3 chains on

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef!

How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb? Swan

Did you hear about the dwarf fortune teller that killed two of his clients? Police are looking for a small medium at large.

i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into cash

Some people need to open their small minds instead of their big mouths.

if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? ""lol im OWNING all these bees"" i say as i put my face in the beehive

Is that a banana in your pocket or have you been lying about your name being Amy?

CREATION OF MAN God: And as they age, they shall lose all the hair on their heads and grow more in their ears & noses Angel: Yes, my Liege

Sorry Amanda. There will be no second date. First off, the plural of shrimp IS shrimp. Not shrimps. Also it's pronounced sammon, not sallman

Facts and science no longer matter. Remember the Renaissance? This era is the opposite of that.

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn't?

My therapist told me that I'm bad at admitting my flaws. I am not!

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

What's the difference between Peter Parker and Basic White Girls? Parker gets paid for his selfies.

An elephant joke... What do you give an elephant with diarrhea? Plenty o' room.

Wanna hear a joke about a broken pencil? Never mind it's pointless.

Two economists fall into a hole they realize they are trapped, and so they come up with a plan. The first step in their plan is... assume a ladder.

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago... ...and so far, all it's been doing is gathering dust.

Teacher: Now class whatever I ask I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4? Class: At once!

Confidence? Oh yeah I've heard of that. It comes in a bottle and you have to be 21 to buy it.

I hate East German Cars I mean, the Trabant was a load of old pants.

What did the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac do? Lay awake in bed wondering if there really is a dog.

Archaeologists digging in Egypt discovered a Mummy covered in Chocolate and Nuts Experts believe it to be a Pharaoh Roche

I saw some crippled kid getting picked on the other day... He got kinda upset with me when I told him to stand up for himself.

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat* Uber driver: ""Where to?"" Me: ""oh, nowhere. I just don't like to change my diaper in the street.""

What was Ghandi? Super-callous-fragile-mystic-hexed-with-halitosis

My surgeon friend that specialized in Augmentation Mammaplasty just died. I regret not being there the moment he took his last breast.

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get

The longest relationship I had was 10 days. Then she deflated.

NFL catch rules are absurd. ""Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn't accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.""

A man and a boy are walking through a dark forest. The boy says to the man ""I'm scared."" The man says, ""You're scared? I have to walk out of here alone!""

Cop wives... Fuck the police.

Shout out to the people who... Don't know what the opposite of in is

Reddit is like internet porn... I've seen the top scoring entries of all categories up to page 20.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A Gummy Bear.

I'm not fat! My DNA's just bold font.

Ambulances are the original Transformers because sometimes they transform mid-ride into hearses

The itch from poison ivy is so bad that I just spent hundreds of dollars buying every possible cream and ointment at the pharmacy. I need to quit making rash decisions.

Why do black people like to ""whip"" when dancing? Because for one they aren't on the receiving end! Yes I know i am being racist, so dont point it out

How did the hipster drown? By swimming in the main stream.

How do I tell a man he loves me?

One of Donald Trump's slogans is America First! We'll rob the other countries later.

KNOCK KNOCK ""I am already owning one.""

Why are the silent majority actually Hillary supporters? Because they're dead.

How do I know thieves are bad kissers? Because apparently I make out like a bandit.

We don't need a girlfriend... Our assignments irritates us everyday... that's enough!!

If puns were people, where do all the bad ones go after they die? www.reddit.com/r/jokes/new

Whats the KKK's favorite type of cake? Sheet cake.