diff --git "a/res/the_merry_wives_of_windsor.txt" "b/res/the_merry_wives_of_windsor.txt" new file mode 100644--- /dev/null +++ "b/res/the_merry_wives_of_windsor.txt" @@ -0,0 +1,4442 @@ +The Merry Wives of Windsor +by William Shakespeare + + +Characters in the Play +====================== +MISTRESS FORD +FORD, her husband +Their servants: + JOHN + ROBERT +MISTRESS PAGE +PAGE, her husband +ANNE, their daughter +WILLIAM, their son +DOCTOR CAIUS, a French doctor, suitor to Anne Page +MISTRESS QUICKLY, the doctor's housekeeper +JOHN RUGBY, the doctor's manservant +SIR HUGH Evans, a Welsh parson +HOST of the Garter Inn +Windsor Children, disguised as fairies +Sir John FALSTAFF, an impoverished knight +Falstaff's servants: + ROBIN, his page + BARDOLPH + PISTOL + NYM +FENTON, a gentleman, suitor to Anne Page +Robert SHALLOW, a visiting justice of the peace +Abraham SLENDER, his nephew, a young gentleman suitor to Anne Page +SIMPLE, Slender's servant + + +ACT 1 +===== + +Scene 1 +======= +[Enter Justice Shallow, Slender, and Sir Hugh Evans.] + + +SHALLOW Sir Hugh, persuade me not. I will make a +Star-Chamber matter of it. If he were twenty Sir +John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, +Esquire. + +SLENDER In the county of Gloucester, Justice of Peace +and Coram. + +SHALLOW Ay, Cousin Slender, and Custalorum. + +SLENDER Ay, and Ratolorum too; and a gentleman born, +Master Parson, who writes himself "Armigero" +in any bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation-- +"Armigero!" + +SHALLOW Ay, that I do, and have done any time these +three hundred years. + +SLENDER All his successors gone before him hath +done 't, and all his ancestors that come after him +may. They may give the dozen white luces in their +coat. + +SHALLOW It is an old coat. + +SIR HUGH The dozen white louses do become an old +coat well. It agrees well, passant. It is a familiar +beast to man and signifies love. + +SHALLOW The luce is the fresh fish. The salt fish is an +old coat. + +SLENDER I may quarter, coz. + +SHALLOW You may, by marrying. + +SIR HUGH It is marring indeed, if he quarter it. + +SHALLOW Not a whit. + +SIR HUGH Yes, py 'r Lady. If he has a quarter of your +coat, there is but three skirts for yourself, in my +simple conjectures. But that is all one. If Sir John +Falstaff have committed disparagements unto you, +I am of the Church, and will be glad to do my +benevolence to make atonements and compromises +between you. + +SHALLOW The Council shall hear it; it is a riot. + +SIR HUGH It is not meet the Council hear a riot. There +is no fear of Got in a riot. The Council, look you, +shall desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear +a riot. Take your visaments in that. + +SHALLOW Ha! O' my life, if I were young again, the +sword should end it. + +SIR HUGH It is petter that friends is the sword, and end +it. And there is also another device in my prain, +which peradventure prings goot discretions with +it. There is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master +Thomas Page, which is pretty virginity. + +SLENDER Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair +and speaks small like a woman? + +SIR HUGH It is that fery person for all the 'orld, as just +as you will desire. And seven hundred pounds of +moneys, and gold, and silver, is her grandsire upon +his death's-bed (Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!) +give, when she is able to overtake seventeen +years old. It were a goot motion if we leave our +pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage between +Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page. + +SLENDER Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred +pound? + +SIR HUGH Ay, and her father is make her a petter +penny. + +SLENDER I know the young gentlewoman. She has +good gifts. + +SIR HUGH Seven hundred pounds and possibilities is +goot gifts. + +SHALLOW Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff +there? + +SIR HUGH Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I +do despise one that is false, or as I despise one that +is not true. The knight Sir John is there, and I beseech +you be ruled by your well-willers. I will peat +the door for Master Page. [He knocks.] What ho? +Got pless your house here. + +PAGE, [within] Who's there? + +SIR HUGH Here is Got's plessing, and your friend, and +Justice Shallow, and here young Master Slender, +that peradventures shall tell you another tale, if +matters grow to your likings. + +[Enter Master Page.] + + +PAGE I am glad to see your Worships well. I thank you +for my venison, Master Shallow. + +SHALLOW Master Page, I am glad to see you. Much +good do it your good heart! I wished your venison +better; it was ill killed. How doth good Mistress +Page? And I thank you always with my heart, la, +with my heart. + +PAGE Sir, I thank you. + +SHALLOW Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do. + +PAGE I am glad to see you, good Master Slender. + +SLENDER How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I +heard say he was outrun on Cotsall. + +PAGE It could not be judged, sir. + +SLENDER You'll not confess, you'll not confess. + +SHALLOW That he will not. 'Tis your fault, 'tis your +fault. 'Tis a good dog. + +PAGE A cur, sir. + +SHALLOW Sir, he's a good dog and a fair dog. Can there +be more said? He is good and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff +here? + +PAGE Sir, he is within, and I would I could do a good +office between you. + +SIR HUGH It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak. + +SHALLOW He hath wronged me, Master Page. + +PAGE Sir, he doth in some sort confess it. + +SHALLOW If it be confessed, it is not redressed. Is not +that so, Master Page? He hath wronged me, indeed +he hath; at a word, he hath. Believe me. Robert +Shallow, Esquire, saith he is wronged. + +[Enter Sir John Falstaff, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol.] + + +PAGE Here comes Sir John. + +FALSTAFF Now, Master Shallow, you'll complain of me +to the King? + +SHALLOW Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my +deer, and broke open my lodge. + +FALSTAFF But not kissed your keeper's daughter. + +SHALLOW Tut, a pin. This shall be answered. + +FALSTAFF I will answer it straight: I have done all this. +That is now answered. + +SHALLOW The Council shall know this. + +FALSTAFF 'Twere better for you if it were known in +counsel. You'll be laughed at. + +SIR HUGH Pauca verba, Sir John, good worts. + +FALSTAFF Good worts? Good cabbage!--Slender, I +broke your head. What matter have you against +me? + +SLENDER Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against +you and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, +Nym, and Pistol. + +BARDOLPH You Banbury cheese! + +SLENDER Ay, it is no matter. + +PISTOL How now, Mephostophilus? + +SLENDER Ay, it is no matter. + +NYM Slice, I say! Pauca, pauca. Slice, that's my humor. + +SLENDER, [to Shallow] Where's Simple, my man? +Can you tell, cousin? + +SIR HUGH Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand; +there is three umpires in this matter, as I understand: +that is, Master Page (fidelicet Master Page); +and there is myself (fidelicet myself); and the three +party is, lastly and finally, mine Host of the Garter. + +PAGE We three to hear it and end it between them. + +SIR HUGH Fery goot. I will make a prief of it in my +notebook, and we will afterwards 'ork upon the +cause with as great discreetly as we can. + +FALSTAFF Pistol. + +PISTOL He hears with ears. + +SIR HUGH The tevil and his tam! What phrase is this, +"He hears with ear"? Why, it is affectations. + +FALSTAFF Pistol, did you pick Master Slender's purse? + +SLENDER Ay, by these gloves, did he--or I would I +might never come in mine own great chamber +again else--of seven groats in mill-sixpences, +and two Edward shovel-boards that cost me two +shilling and twopence apiece of Yed Miller, by +these gloves. + +FALSTAFF Is this true, Pistol? + +SIR HUGH No, it is false, if it is a pickpurse. + +PISTOL Ha, thou mountain foreigner!--Sir John and +master mine, I combat challenge of this latten +bilbo.--Word of denial in thy labras here! Word of +denial! Froth and scum, thou liest. + +SLENDER, [indicating Nym] By these gloves, then 'twas +he. + +NYM Be avised, sir, and pass good humors. I will say +"marry trap with you" if you run the nuthook's +humor on me. That is the very note of it. + +SLENDER By this hat, then, he in the red face had it. +For, though I cannot remember what I did when +you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an +ass. + +FALSTAFF What say you, Scarlet and John? + +BARDOLPH Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman +had drunk himself out of his five sentences. + +SIR HUGH It is "his five senses." Fie, what the ignorance +is! + +BARDOLPH, [to Falstaff] And being fap, sir, was, as +they say, cashiered. And so conclusions passed the +careers. + +SLENDER Ay, you spake in Latin then too. But 'tis no +matter. I'll ne'er be drunk whilst I live again but in +honest, civil, godly company, for this trick. If I be +drunk, I'll be drunk with those that have the fear of +God, and not with drunken knaves. + +SIR HUGH So Got 'udge me, that is a virtuous mind. + +FALSTAFF You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen. +You hear it. + +[Enter Anne Page with wine.] + + +PAGE Nay, daughter, carry the wine in. We'll drink +within. [Anne Page exits.] + +SLENDER O heaven, this is Mistress Anne Page. + +[Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page.] + + +PAGE How now, Mistress Ford? + +FALSTAFF Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well +met. By your leave, good mistress. [He kisses her.] + +PAGE Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome.--Come, we +have a hot venison pasty to dinner. Come, gentlemen, +I hope we shall drink down all unkindness. +[All but Slender, Shallow, and Sir Hugh exit.] + +SLENDER I had rather than forty shillings I had my +book of Songs and Sonnets here! + +[Enter Simple.] + +How now, Simple? Where have you been? I must +wait on myself, must I? You have not the Book of +Riddles about you, have you? + +SIMPLE Book of Riddles? Why, did you not lend it to +Alice Shortcake upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight +afore Michaelmas? + +SHALLOW, [to Slender] Come, coz; come, coz. We stay +for you. A word with you, coz. Marry, this, coz: +there is, as 'twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made +afar off by Sir Hugh here. Do you understand me? + +SLENDER Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable. If it be +so, I shall do that that is reason. + +SHALLOW Nay, but understand me. + +SLENDER So I do, sir. + +SIR HUGH Give ear to his motions, Master Slender. I +will description the matter to you, if you be capacity +of it. + +SLENDER Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says. I +pray you, pardon me. He's a Justice of Peace in his +country, simple though I stand here. + +SIR HUGH But that is not the question. The question is +concerning your marriage. + +SHALLOW Ay, there's the point, sir. + +SIR HUGH Marry, is it, the very point of it--to Mistress +Anne Page. + +SLENDER Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any +reasonable demands. + +SIR HUGH But can you affection the 'oman? Let us command +to know that of your mouth, or of your lips; +for divers philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of +the mouth. Therefore, precisely, can you carry your +good will to the maid? + +SHALLOW Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her? + +SLENDER I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one +that would do reason. + +SIR HUGH Nay, Got's lords and His ladies! You must +speak positable, if you can carry her your desires +towards her. + +SHALLOW That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, +marry her? + +SLENDER I will do a greater thing than that, upon your +request, cousin, in any reason. + +SHALLOW Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz. +What I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the +maid? + +SLENDER I will marry her, sir, at your request. But if +there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven +may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when +we are married and have more occasion to know +one another. I hope upon familiarity will grow +more content. But if you say "Marry her," I will +marry her. That I am freely dissolved, and +dissolutely. + +SIR HUGH It is a fery discretion answer, save the fall is +in the 'ord "dissolutely." The 'ort is, according to +our meaning, "resolutely." His meaning is good. + +SHALLOW Ay, I think my cousin meant well. + +SLENDER Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la! + +[Enter Anne Page.] + + +SHALLOW Here comes fair Mistress Anne.--Would I +were young for your sake, Mistress Anne. + +ANNE The dinner is on the table. My father desires +your Worships' company. + +SHALLOW I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne. + +SIR HUGH 'Od's plessed will, I will not be absence at +the grace. [Sir Hugh and Shallow exit.] + +ANNE, [to Slender] Will 't please your Worship to come +in, sir? + +SLENDER No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily. I am very +well. + +ANNE The dinner attends you, sir. + +SLENDER I am not ahungry, I thank you, forsooth. [(To +Simple.)] Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go +wait upon my cousin Shallow. [(Simple exits.)] A +Justice of Peace sometime may be beholding to his +friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy +yet, till my mother be dead. But what though? Yet +I live like a poor gentleman born. + +ANNE I may not go in without your Worship. They will +not sit till you come. + +SLENDER I' faith, I'll eat nothing. I thank you as much +as though I did. + +ANNE I pray you, sir, walk in. + +SLENDER I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised +my shin th' other day with playing at sword and +dagger with a master of fence--three veneys for a +dish of stewed prunes--and, by my troth, I cannot +abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your +dogs bark so? Be there bears i' th' town? + +ANNE I think there are, sir. I heard them talked of. + +SLENDER I love the sport well, but I shall as soon quarrel +at it as any man in England. You are afraid if +you see the bear loose, are you not? + +ANNE Ay, indeed, sir. + +SLENDER That's meat and drink to me, now. I have +seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken +him by the chain. But, I warrant you, the women +have so cried and shrieked at it that it passed. But +women, indeed, cannot abide 'em; they are very ill-favored +rough things. + +[Enter Page.] + + +PAGE Come, gentle Master Slender, come. We stay for +you. + +SLENDER I'll eat nothing, I thank you, sir. + +PAGE By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! Come, +come. + +SLENDER Nay, pray you, lead the way. + +PAGE Come on, sir. + +SLENDER Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first. + +ANNE Not I, sir. Pray you, keep on. + +SLENDER Truly, I will not go first, truly, la! I will not do +you that wrong. + +ANNE I pray you, sir. + +SLENDER I'll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. +You do yourself wrong, indeed, la! +[They exit.] + +Scene 2 +======= +[Enter Sir Hugh Evans and Simple.] + + +SIR HUGH Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius' +house which is the way. And there dwells one Mistress +Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse, +or his dry nurse, or his cook, or his laundry--his +washer and his wringer. + +SIMPLE Well, sir. + +SIR HUGH Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter +[(handing him a paper),] for it is a 'oman that altogether's +acquaintance with Mistress Anne Page; +and the letter is to desire and require her to solicit +your master's desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray +you, be gone. I will make an end of my dinner; +there's pippins and cheese to come. +[They exit.] + +Scene 3 +======= +[Enter Sir John Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nym, Pistol, +and Robin, Falstaff's Page.] + + +FALSTAFF Mine Host of the Garter! + +HOST What says my bullyrook? Speak scholarly and +wisely. + +FALSTAFF Truly, mine Host, I must turn away some of +my followers. + +HOST Discard, bully Hercules, cashier. Let them wag; +trot, trot. + +FALSTAFF I sit at ten pounds a week. + +HOST Thou 'rt an emperor--Caesar, Keiser, and +Pheazar. I will entertain Bardolph. He shall draw, +he shall tap. Said I well, bully Hector? + +FALSTAFF Do so, good mine Host. + +HOST I have spoke. Let him follow.--Let me see thee +froth and lime. I am at a word. Follow. +[Host exits.] + +FALSTAFF Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good +trade. An old cloak makes a new jerkin, a withered +servingman a fresh tapster. Go. Adieu. + +BARDOLPH It is a life that I have desired. I will thrive. + +PISTOL O base Hungarian wight, wilt thou the spigot +wield? [Bardolph exits.] + +NYM He was gotten in drink. Is not the humor +conceited? + +FALSTAFF I am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox. +His thefts were too open. His filching was like an +unskillful singer; he kept not time. + +NYM The good humor is to steal at a minute's rest. + +PISTOL "Convey," the wise it call. "Steal"? Foh, a fico +for the phrase! + +FALSTAFF Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels. + +PISTOL Why, then, let kibes ensue. + +FALSTAFF There is no remedy. I must cony-catch, I +must shift. + +PISTOL Young ravens must have food. + +FALSTAFF Which of you know Ford of this town? + +PISTOL I ken the wight. He is of substance good. + +FALSTAFF My honest lads, I will tell you what I am +about. + +PISTOL Two yards and more. + +FALSTAFF No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the +waist two yards about, but I am now about no +waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make +love to Ford's wife. I spy entertainment in her. She +discourses; she carves; she gives the leer of invitation. +I can construe the action of her familiar style; +and the hardest voice of her behavior, to be Englished +rightly, is "I am Sir John Falstaff's." + +PISTOL, [aside to Nym] He hath studied her will and +translated her will--out of honesty into English. + +NYM, [aside to Pistol] The anchor is deep. Will that +humor pass? + +FALSTAFF Now, the report goes, she has all the rule of +her husband's purse. He hath a legion of angels. + +PISTOL, [aside to Nym] As many devils entertain, and +"To her, boy," say I. + +NYM, [aside to Pistol] The humor rises; it is good. +Humor me the angels. + +FALSTAFF, [showing two papers] I have writ me here a +letter to her; and here another to Page's wife, who +even now gave me good eyes too, examined my +parts with most judicious oeillades. Sometimes +the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes +my portly belly. + +PISTOL, [aside to Nym] Then did the sun on dunghill +shine. + +NYM, [aside to Pistol] I thank thee for that humor. + +FALSTAFF O, she did so course o'er my exteriors with +such a greedy intention that the appetite of her +eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass. +Here's another letter to her. She bears the purse +too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. +I will be cheaters to them both, and they shall be +exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West +Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go bear thou +this letter to Mistress Page--and thou this to Mistress +Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive. + +PISTOL +Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become, +And by my side wear steel? Then Lucifer take all! + +NYM, [to Falstaff] I will run no base humor. Here, take +the humor-letter. I will keep the havior of +reputation. + +FALSTAFF, [giving papers to Robin] +Hold, sirrah, bear you these letters tightly; +Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.-- +Rogues, hence, avaunt, vanish like hailstones, go, +Trudge, plod away i' th' hoof, seek shelter, pack! +Falstaff will learn the humor of the age: +French thrift, you rogues--myself and skirted page. +[Falstaff and Robin exit.] + +PISTOL +Let vultures gripe thy guts! For gourd and fullam +holds, +And high and low beguiles the rich and poor. +Tester I'll have in pouch when thou shalt lack, +Base Phrygian Turk! + +NYM I have operations which be humors of revenge. + +PISTOL Wilt thou revenge? + +NYM By welkin and her star! + +PISTOL With wit or steel? + +NYM With both the humors, I. I will discuss the +humor of this love to Ford. + +PISTOL +And I to Page shall eke unfold + How Falstaff, varlet vile, +His dove will prove, his gold will hold, + And his soft couch defile. + +NYM My humor shall not cool. I will incense Ford to +deal with poison. I will possess him with yellowness, +for the revolt of mine is dangerous. That is +my true humor. + +PISTOL Thou art the Mars of malcontents. I second +thee. Troop on. +[They exit.] + +Scene 4 +======= +[Enter Mistress Quickly and Simple.] + + +MISTRESS QUICKLY What, John Rugby! [(Enter John +Rugby.)] I pray thee, go to the casement and see if +you can see my master, Master Doctor Caius, coming. +If he do, i' faith, and find anybody in the +house, here will be an old abusing of God's patience +and the King's English. + +RUGBY I'll go watch. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Go, and we'll have a posset for 't +soon at night, in faith, at the latter end of a seacoal +fire. [(Rugby exits.)] An honest, willing, kind fellow +as ever servant shall come in house withal; and, I +warrant you, no telltale nor no breed-bate. His +worst fault is that he is given to prayer. He is something +peevish that way, but nobody but has his +fault. But let that pass. Peter Simple you say your +name is? + +SIMPLE Ay, for fault of a better. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY And Master Slender's your master? + +SIMPLE Ay, forsooth. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Does he not wear a great round +beard like a glover's paring knife? + +SIMPLE No, forsooth. He hath but a little wee face, +with a little yellow beard, a Cain-colored beard. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY A softly-sprited man, is he not? + +SIMPLE Ay, forsooth. But he is as tall a man of his +hands as any is between this and his head. He hath +fought with a warrener. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY How say you? O, I should remember +him. Does he not hold up his head, as it were, +and strut in his gait? + +SIMPLE Yes, indeed, does he. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, heaven send Anne Page no +worse fortune! Tell Master Parson Evans I will do +what I can for your master. Anne is a good girl, and +I wish-- + +[Enter Rugby.] + + +RUGBY Out, alas! Here comes my master. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY We shall all be shent.--Run in here, +good young man. Go into this closet. He will not +stay long. [(Simple exits.)] What, John Rugby! +John! What, John, I say! Go, John, go enquire for +my master. I doubt he be not well, that he comes +not home. [Rugby exits.] +[(She sings.)] And down, down, adown 'a, etc. + +[Enter Doctor Caius.] + + +DOCTOR CAIUS Vat is you sing? I do not like dese toys. +Pray you, go and vetch me in my closet un boitier +vert, a box, a green-a box. Do intend vat I speak? +A green-a box. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth. I'll fetch it you. +[(Aside.)] I am glad he went not in himself. If he +had found the young man, he would have been +horn-mad. [She exits.] + +DOCTOR CAIUS Fe, fe, fe, fe! Ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je +m'en vais a la cour--la grande affaire. + +[Enter Mistress Quickly with a small box.] + + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Is it this, sir? + +DOCTOR CAIUS Oui, mets-le a mon pocket. Depeche, +quickly. Vere is dat knave Rugby? + +MISTRESS QUICKLY What, John Rugby, John! + +[Enter Rugby.] + + +RUGBY Here, sir. + +DOCTOR CAIUS You are John Rugby, and you are Jack +Rugby. Come, take-a your rapier, and come after +my heel to the court. + +RUGBY 'Tis ready, sir, here in the porch. + +DOCTOR CAIUS By my trot, I tarry too long. Od's +me! Qu'ai-j'oublie? Dere is some simples in my +closet dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave +behind. [He exits.] + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay me! He'll find the young man +there, and be mad! + +[Enter Doctor Caius.] + + +DOCTOR CAIUS O diable, diable! Vat is in my closet? Villainy! +Larron! [(Pulling out Simple.)] Rugby, my +rapier! + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Good master, be content. + +DOCTOR CAIUS Wherefore shall I be content-a? + +MISTRESS QUICKLY The young man is an honest man. + +DOCTOR CAIUS What shall de honest man do in my +closet? Dere is no honest man dat shall come in +my closet. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. +Hear the truth of it. He came of an errand to me +from Parson Hugh. + +DOCTOR CAIUS Vell? + +SIMPLE Ay, forsooth. To desire her to-- + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Peace, I pray you. + +DOCTOR CAIUS Peace-a your tongue.--Speak-a your +tale. + +SIMPLE To desire this honest gentlewoman, your +maid, to speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page +for my master in the way of marriage. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY This is all, indeed, la! But I'll ne'er +put my finger in the fire, and need not. + +DOCTOR CAIUS, [to Simple] Sir Hugh send-a you?-- +Rugby, baille me some paper.--Tarry you a little-a +while. + +[Rugby brings paper, and Doctor Caius writes.] + + + +MISTRESS QUICKLY, [aside to Simple] I am glad he is so +quiet. If he had been throughly moved, you should +have heard him so loud and so melancholy. But +notwithstanding, man, I'll do you your master +what good I can. And the very yea and the no is, +the French doctor, my master--I may call him my +master, look you, for I keep his house, and I wash, +wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink, +make the beds, and do all myself-- + +SIMPLE, [aside to Quickly] 'Tis a great charge to come +under one body's hand. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY, [aside to Simple] Are you advised o' +that? You shall find it a great charge. And to be up +early and down late. But notwithstanding--to tell +you in your ear; I would have no words of it--my +master himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page. +But notwithstanding that, I know Anne's mind. +That's neither here nor there. + +DOCTOR CAIUS, [handing paper to Simple] You, jack'nape, +give-a this letter to Sir Hugh. By gar, it is a +shallenge. I will cut his troat in de park, and I will +teach a scurvy jackanape priest to meddle or +make. You may be gone. It is not good you tarry +here.--By gar, I will cut all his two stones. By gar, +he shall not have a stone to throw at his dog. +[Simple exits.] + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Alas, he speaks but for his friend. + +DOCTOR CAIUS It is no matter-a ver dat. Do not you tell-a +me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I +vill kill de jack priest; and I have appointed mine +Host of de Jarteer to measure our weapon. By gar, +I will myself have Anne Page. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall +be well. We must give folks leave to prate. What +the goodyear! + +DOCTOR CAIUS Rugby, come to the court with me. [(To +Mistress Quickly.)] By gar, if I have not Anne Page, +I shall turn your head out of my door.--Follow my +heels, Rugby. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY You shall have Anne-- +[Caius and Rugby exit.] +fool's head of your own. No, I know Anne's mind +for that. Never a woman in Windsor knows more +of Anne's mind than I do, nor can do more than I +do with her, I thank heaven. + +FENTON, [within] Who's within there, ho? + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Who's there, I trow? Come near the +house, I pray you. + +[Enter Fenton.] + + +FENTON How now, good woman? How dost thou? + +MISTRESS QUICKLY The better that it pleases your good +Worship to ask. + +FENTON What news? How does pretty Mistress Anne? + +MISTRESS QUICKLY In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and +honest, and gentle; and one that is your friend, I +can tell you that by the way, I praise heaven for it. + +FENTON Shall I do any good, think'st thou? Shall I not +lose my suit? + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Troth, sir, all is in His hands above. +But notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I'll be sworn +on a book she loves you. Have not your Worship a +wart above your eye? + +FENTON Yes, marry, have I. What of that? + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, thereby hangs a tale. Good +faith, it is such another Nan! But, I detest, an honest +maid as ever broke bread. We had an hour's +talk of that wart. I shall never laugh but in that +maid's company. But, indeed, she is given too +much to allicholy and musing. But, for you,--well, +go to. + +FENTON Well, I shall see her today. Hold, there's +money for thee. [(He hands her money.)] Let me +have thy voice in my behalf. If thou see'st her before +me, commend me. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Will I? I' faith, that we will. And I +will tell your Worship more of the wart the next +time we have confidence, and of other wooers. + +FENTON Well, farewell. I am in great haste now. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Farewell to your Worship. +[Fenton exits.] +Truly an honest gentleman--but Anne loves him +not, for I know Anne's mind as well as another +does. Out upon 't! What have I forgot? +[She exits.] + + +ACT 2 +===== + +Scene 1 +======= +[Enter Mistress Page reading a letter.] + + +MISTRESS PAGE What, have I 'scaped love letters in +the holiday time of my beauty, and am I now a +subject for them? Let me see. +[She reads.] +Ask me no reason why I love you, for though Love +use Reason for his precisian, he admits him not for +his counselor. You are not young; no more am I. Go +to, then, there's sympathy. You are merry; so am I. +Ha, ha, then, there's more sympathy. You love sack, +and so do I. Would you desire better sympathy? Let +it suffice thee, Mistress Page--at the least, if the love +of soldier can suffice--that I love thee. I will not say +pity me--'tis not a soldier-like phrase--but I say love +me. By me, + Thine own true knight, + By day or night, + Or any kind of light, + With all his might + For thee to fight, +John Falstaff. +What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked, wicked +world! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces with +age, to show himself a young gallant! What an +unweighed behavior hath this Flemish drunkard +picked--with the devil's name!--out of my conversation, +that he dares in this manner assay me? +Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! +What should I say to him? I was then frugal of my +mirth. Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a bill +in the Parliament for the putting down of men. +How shall I be revenged on him? For revenged I +will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings. + +[Enter Mistress Ford.] + + +MISTRESS FORD Mistress Page! Trust me, I was going to +your house. + +MISTRESS PAGE And, trust me, I was coming to you. +You look very ill. + +MISTRESS FORD Nay, I'll ne'er believe that. I have to +show to the contrary. + +MISTRESS PAGE Faith, but you do, in my mind. + +MISTRESS FORD Well, I do, then. Yet I say I could show +you to the contrary. O Mistress Page, give me some +counsel. + +MISTRESS PAGE What's the matter, woman? + +MISTRESS FORD O woman, if it were not for one trifling +respect, I could come to such honor! + +MISTRESS PAGE Hang the trifle, woman; take the honor. +What is it? Dispense with trifles. What is it? + +MISTRESS FORD If I would but go to hell for an eternal +moment or so, I could be knighted. + +MISTRESS PAGE What, thou liest! Sir Alice Ford? These +knights will hack, and so thou shouldst not alter +the article of thy gentry. + +MISTRESS FORD We burn daylight. Here, read, read. Perceive +how I might be knighted. [(She gives a paper +to Mistress Page, who reads it.)] I shall think the +worse of fat men as long as I have an eye to make +difference of men's liking. And yet he would not +swear; praised women's modesty; and gave such +orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness +that I would have sworn his disposition +would have gone to the truth of his words. But +they do no more adhere and keep place together +than the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of +"Greensleeves." What tempest, I trow, threw this +whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore +at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I +think the best way were to entertain him with hope +till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his +own grease. Did you ever hear the like? + +MISTRESS PAGE Letter for letter, but that the name of +Page and Ford differs! To thy great comfort in this +mystery of ill opinions, here's the twin brother of +thy letter. [(She gives a paper to Mistress Ford, who +reads it.)] But let thine inherit first, for I protest +mine never shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of +these letters writ with blank space for different +names--sure, more--and these are of the second +edition. He will print them, out of doubt; for he +cares not what he puts into the press, when he +would put us two. I had rather be a giantess and lie +under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty +lascivious turtles ere one chaste man. + +MISTRESS FORD Why, this is the very same--the very +hand, the very words. What doth he think of us? + +MISTRESS PAGE Nay, I know not. It makes me almost +ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertain +myself like one that I am not acquainted +withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in +me that I know not myself, he would never have +boarded me in this fury. + +MISTRESS FORD "Boarding" call you it? I'll be sure to +keep him above deck. + +MISTRESS PAGE So will I. If he come under my hatches, +I'll never to sea again. Let's be revenged on him. +Let's appoint him a meeting, give him a show of +comfort in his suit, and lead him on with a fine-baited +delay till he hath pawned his horses to mine +Host of the Garter. + +MISTRESS FORD Nay, I will consent to act any villainy +against him that may not sully the chariness of our +honesty. O, that my husband saw this letter! It +would give eternal food to his jealousy. + +MISTRESS PAGE Why, look where he comes, and my +good man too. He's as far from jealousy as I am +from giving him cause, and that, I hope, is an +unmeasurable distance. + +MISTRESS FORD You are the happier woman. + +MISTRESS PAGE Let's consult together against this greasy +knight. Come hither. [They talk aside.] + +[Enter Ford with Pistol, and Page with Nym.] + + +FORD Well, I hope it be not so. + +PISTOL +Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs. +Sir John affects thy wife. + +FORD Why, sir, my wife is not young. + +PISTOL +He woos both high and low, both rich and poor, +Both young and old, one with another, Ford. +He loves the gallimaufry. Ford, perpend. + +FORD Love my wife? + +PISTOL +With liver burning hot. Prevent, +Or go thou like Sir Acteon, he, +With Ringwood at thy heels. +O, odious is the name! + +FORD What name, sir? + +PISTOL The horn, I say. Farewell. +Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by +night. +Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo birds do +sing.-- +Away, Sir Corporal Nym.--Believe it, Page. He +speaks sense. [He exits.] + +FORD, [aside] I will be patient. I will find out this. + +NYM, [to Page] And this is true. I like not the humor of +lying. He hath wronged me in some humors. I +should have borne the humored letter to her; but I +have a sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity. +He loves your wife; there's the short and the long. +My name is Corporal Nym. I speak and I avouch. +'Tis true. My name is Nym, and Falstaff loves your +wife. Adieu. I love not the humor of bread and +cheese. Adieu. [He exits.] + +PAGE, [aside] "The humor of it," quoth he? Here's a fellow +frights English out of his wits. + +FORD, [aside] I will seek out Falstaff. + +PAGE, [aside] I never heard such a drawling, affecting +rogue. + +FORD, [aside] If I do find it--well. + +PAGE, [aside] I will not believe such a Cataian, though +the priest o' th' town commended him for a true +man. + +FORD, [aside] 'Twas a good sensible fellow--well. + +[Mistress Page and Mistress Ford come forward.] + + + +PAGE, [to Mistress Page] How now, Meg? + +MISTRESS PAGE Whither go you, George? Hark you. +[They talk aside.] + +MISTRESS FORD, [to Ford] How now, sweet Frank? Why +art thou melancholy? + +FORD I melancholy? I am not melancholy. Get you +home. Go. + +MISTRESS FORD Faith, thou hast some crochets in thy +head now.--Will you go, Mistress Page? + +MISTRESS PAGE Have with you.--You'll come to dinner, +George? [(Aside to Mistress Ford.)] Look who +comes yonder. + +[Enter Mistress Quickly.] + +She shall be our messenger to this paltry knight. + +MISTRESS FORD Trust me, I thought on her. She'll fit it. + +MISTRESS PAGE, [to Mistress Quickly] You are come to +see my daughter Anne? + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth. And, I pray, how does +good Mistress Anne? + +MISTRESS PAGE Go in with us and see. We have an +hour's talk with you. +[Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and +Mistress Quickly exit.] + +PAGE How now, Master Ford? + +FORD You heard what this knave told me, did you not? + +PAGE Yes, and you heard what the other told me? + +FORD Do you think there is truth in them? + +PAGE Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight +would offer it. But these that accuse him in his intent +towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded +men, very rogues, now they be out of service. + +FORD Were they his men? + +PAGE Marry, were they. + +FORD I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at +the Garter? + +PAGE Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage +toward my wife, I would turn her loose to him; +and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let +it lie on my head. + +FORD I do not misdoubt my wife, but I would be loath +to turn them together. A man may be too confident. +I would have nothing lie on my head. I cannot +be thus satisfied. + +[Enter Host.] + + +PAGE Look where my ranting Host of the Garter +comes. There is either liquor in his pate or money +in his purse when he looks so merrily.--How now, +mine Host? + +HOST How now, bullyrook? Thou 'rt a gentleman.-- +Cavaleiro Justice, I say! + +[Enter Shallow.] + + +SHALLOW I follow, mine Host, I follow.--Good even +and twenty, good Master Page. Master Page, will +you go with us? We have sport in hand. + +HOST Tell him, Cavaleiro Justice; tell him, bullyrook. + +SHALLOW Sir, there is a fray to be fought between +Sir Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius the French +doctor. + +FORD Good mine Host o' th' Garter, a word with you. + +HOST What say'st thou, my bullyrook? +[The Host and Ford talk aside.] + +SHALLOW, [to Page] Will you go with us to behold it? +My merry Host hath had the measuring of their +weapons and, I think, hath appointed them contrary +places; for, believe me, I hear the parson is no +jester. Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be. +[Shallow and Page talk aside.] + +HOST, [to Ford] Hast thou no suit against my knight, +my guest cavalier? + +FORD None, I protest. But I'll give you a pottle of +burnt sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him +my name is Brook--only for a jest. + +HOST My hand, bully. Thou shalt have egress and +regress--said I well?--and thy name shall be +Brook. It is a merry knight. [(To Shallow and +Page.)] Will you go, ameers? + +SHALLOW Have with you, mine Host. + +PAGE I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill +in his rapier. + +SHALLOW Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these +times you stand on distance--your passes, stoccados, +and I know not what. 'Tis the heart, Master +Page; 'tis here, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with +my long sword I would have made you four tall +fellows skip like rats. + +HOST Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag? + +PAGE Have with you. I had rather hear them scold +than fight. [Page, Host, and Shallow exit.] + +FORD Though Page be a secure fool and stands so +firmly on his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off my +opinion so easily. She was in his company at Page's +house, and what they made there I know not. Well, +I will look further into 't, and I have a disguise to +sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not my +labor. If she be otherwise, 'tis labor well bestowed. +[He exits.] + +Scene 2 +======= +[Enter Sir John Falstaff and Pistol.] + + +FALSTAFF I will not lend thee a penny. + +PISTOL Why then, the world's mine oyster, which I +with sword will open. + +FALSTAFF Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you +should lay my countenance to pawn. I have grated +upon my good friends for three reprieves for you +and your coach-fellow Nym, or else you had +looked through the grate like a gemini of baboons. +I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my +friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows. +And when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her +fan, I took 't upon mine honor thou hadst it not. + +PISTOL Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen +pence? + +FALSTAFF Reason, you rogue, reason. Think'st thou I'll +endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more +about me. I am no gibbet for you. Go--a short +knife and a throng--to your manor of Pickt-hatch, +go. You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue? You +stand upon your honor? Why, thou unconfinable +baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the +terms of my honor precise. Ay, ay, I myself sometimes, +leaving the fear of God on the left hand +and hiding mine honor in my necessity, am fain to +shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, +will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain +looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold beating +oaths under the shelter of your honor! You will +not do it? You? + +PISTOL I do relent. What would thou more of man? + +[Enter Robin.] + + +ROBIN Sir, here's a woman would speak with you. + +FALSTAFF Let her approach. + +[Enter Mistress Quickly.] + + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Give your Worship good morrow. + +FALSTAFF Good morrow, goodwife. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Not so, an 't please your Worship. + +FALSTAFF Good maid, then. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY I'll be sworn--as my mother was, +the first hour I was born. + +FALSTAFF I do believe the swearer. What with me? + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Shall I vouchsafe your Worship a +word or two? + +FALSTAFF Two thousand, fair woman, and I'll vouchsafe +thee the hearing. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY There is one Mistress Ford, sir--I +pray, come a little nearer this ways. I myself dwell +with Master Doctor Caius. + +FALSTAFF Well, on. "Mistress Ford," you say-- + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Your Worship says very true. I pray +your Worship, come a little nearer this ways. + +FALSTAFF I warrant thee, nobody hears. Mine own +people, mine own people. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Are they so? God bless them and +make them His servants! + +FALSTAFF Well, "Mistress Ford"--what of her? + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Why, sir, she's a good creature. +Lord, Lord, your Worship's a wanton! Well, heaven +forgive you and all of us, I pray! + +FALSTAFF "Mistress Ford"--come, "Mistress Ford"-- + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, this is the short and the long +of it: you have brought her into such a canaries as +'tis wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when +the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought +her to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, +and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I +warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter, +gift after gift, smelling so sweetly--all musk--and +so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold, and in +such alligant terms, and in such wine and sugar of +the best and the fairest, that would have won any +woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could +never get an eye-wink of her. I had myself twenty +angels given me this morning, but I defy all angels +in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of +honesty. And, I warrant you, they could never get +her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of +them all. And yet there has been earls--nay, which +is more, pensioners--but, I warrant you, all is one +with her. + +FALSTAFF But what says she to me? Be brief, my good +she-Mercury. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, she hath received your letter, +for the which she thanks you a thousand times, +and she gives you to notify that her husband will +be absence from his house between ten and eleven. + +FALSTAFF Ten and eleven? + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Ay, forsooth; and then you may come +and see the picture, she says, that you wot of. Master +Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas, the +sweet woman leads an ill life with him. He's a very +jealousy man. She leads a very frampold life with +him, good heart. + +FALSTAFF Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to +her. I will not fail her. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Why, you say well. But I have another +messenger to your Worship. Mistress Page +hath her hearty commendations to you too; and, +let me tell you in your ear, she's as fartuous a civil +modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will not miss +you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, +whoe'er be the other. And she bade me tell +your Worship that her husband is seldom from +home, but she hopes there will come a time. I +never knew a woman so dote upon a man. Surely, I +think you have charms, la! Yes, in truth. + +FALSTAFF Not I, I assure thee. Setting the attraction of +my good parts aside, I have no other charms. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Blessing on your heart for 't! + +FALSTAFF But I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife +and Page's wife acquainted each other how they +love me? + +MISTRESS QUICKLY That were a jest indeed! They have +not so little grace, I hope. That were a trick indeed! +But Mistress Page would desire you to send her +your little page, of all loves. Her husband has a +marvelous infection to the little page; and, truly, +Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in +Windsor leads a better life than she does. Do what +she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go to +bed when she list, rise when she list--all is as she +will. And, truly, she deserves it, for if there be a +kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send +her your page, no remedy. + +FALSTAFF Why, I will. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Nay, but do so then, and, look you, +he may come and go between you both. And in any +case have a nayword, that you may know one another's +mind, and the boy never need to understand +anything; for 'tis not good that children +should know any wickedness. Old folks, you know, +have discretion, as they say, and know the world. + +FALSTAFF Fare thee well. Commend me to them both. +There's my purse. [(He gives her money.)] I am yet +thy debtor.--Boy, go along with this woman. [(Mistress +Quickly and Robin exit.)] This news distracts +me. + +PISTOL, [aside] +This punk is one of Cupid's carriers. +Clap on more sails, pursue; up with your fights; +Give fire! She is my prize, or ocean whelm them all! +[He exits.] + +FALSTAFF Sayst thou so, old Jack? Go thy ways. I'll +make more of thy old body than I have done. Will +they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense +of so much money, be now a gainer? Good +body, I thank thee. Let them say 'tis grossly done; +so it be fairly done, no matter. + +[Enter Bardolph with wine.] + + +BARDOLPH Sir John, there's one Master Brook below +would fain speak with you and be acquainted with +you, and hath sent your Worship a morning's +draught of sack. [(He hands Falstaff the wine.)] + +FALSTAFF Brook is his name? + +BARDOLPH Ay, sir. + +FALSTAFF Call him in. Such Brooks are welcome to +me that o'erflows such liquor. [(Bardolph exits.)] +Ah ha, Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompassed +you? Go to. Via! + +[Enter Bardolph with Ford disguised as Brook.] + + +FORD, [as Brook] God bless you, sir. + +FALSTAFF And you, sir. Would you speak with me? + +FORD, [as Brook] I make bold to press with so little +preparation upon you. + +FALSTAFF You're welcome. What's your will?--Give us +leave, drawer. [Bardolph exits.] + +FORD, [as Brook] Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent +much. My name is Brook. + +FALSTAFF Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance +of you. + +FORD, [as Brook] Good Sir John, I sue for yours--not +to charge you, for I must let you understand I +think myself in better plight for a lender than you +are, the which hath something emboldened me to +this unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if money +go before, all ways do lie open. + +FALSTAFF Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on. + +FORD, [as Brook] Troth, and I have a bag of money +here troubles me. [He sets it down.] If you will help +to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for easing me +of the carriage. + +FALSTAFF Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your +porter. + +FORD, [as Brook] I will tell you, sir, if you will give me +the hearing. + +FALSTAFF Speak, good Master Brook. I shall be glad +to be your servant. + +FORD, [as Brook] Sir, I hear you are a scholar--I will +be brief with you--and you have been a man long +known to me, though I had never so good means +as desire to make myself acquainted with you. I +shall discover a thing to you wherein I must very +much lay open mine own imperfection. But, good +Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as +you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register +of your own, that I may pass with a reproof +the easier, sith you yourself know how easy it is to +be such an offender. + +FALSTAFF Very well, sir. Proceed. + +FORD, [as Brook] There is a gentlewoman in this +town--her husband's name is Ford. + +FALSTAFF Well, sir. + +FORD, [as Brook] I have long loved her and, I protest +to you, bestowed much on her, followed her with +a doting observance, engrossed opportunities to +meet her, fee'd every slight occasion that could but +niggardly give me sight of her, not only bought +many presents to give her, but have given largely to +many to know what she would have given. Briefly, +I have pursued her as love hath pursued me, which +hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever +I have merited, either in my mind or in my +means, meed I am sure I have received none, unless +experience be a jewel. That I have purchased +at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say +this: +"Love like a shadow flies when substance love +pursues, +Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues." + +FALSTAFF Have you received no promise of satisfaction +at her hands? + +FORD, [as Brook] Never. + +FALSTAFF Have you importuned her to such a +purpose? + +FORD, [as Brook] Never. + +FALSTAFF Of what quality was your love, then? + +FORD, [as Brook] Like a fair house built on another +man's ground, so that I have lost my edifice by +mistaking the place where I erected it. + +FALSTAFF To what purpose have you unfolded this to +me? + +FORD, [as Brook] When I have told you that, I have +told you all. Some say that though she appear honest +to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her +mirth so far that there is shrewd construction +made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my +purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding, +admirable discourse, of great admittance, +authentic in your place and person, generally +allowed for your many warlike, courtlike, and +learned preparations. + +FALSTAFF O, sir! + +FORD, [as Brook] Believe it, for you know it. There is +money. [(He points to the bag.)] Spend it, spend +it, spend more; spend all I have. Only give me so +much of your time in exchange of it as to lay an +amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford's wife. +Use your art of wooing; win her to consent to you. +If any man may, you may as soon as any. + +FALSTAFF Would it apply well to the vehemency of +your affection that I should win what you would +enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very +preposterously. + +FORD, [as Brook] O, understand my drift. She dwells +so securely on the excellency of her honor that the +folly of my soul dares not present itself; she is too +bright to be looked against. Now, could I come to +her with any detection in my hand, my desires had +instance and argument to commend themselves. I +could drive her then from the ward of her purity, +her reputation, her marriage vow, and a thousand +other her defenses, which now are too too strongly +embattled against me. What say you to 't, Sir +John? + +FALSTAFF, [taking the bag] Master Brook, I will first +make bold with your money; next, give me your +hand; and, last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if +you will, enjoy Ford's wife. + +FORD, [as Brook] O, good sir! + +FALSTAFF I say you shall. + +FORD, [as Brook] Want no money, Sir John; you shall +want none. + +FALSTAFF Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you +shall want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, +by her own appointment. Even as you came in to +me, her assistant or go-between parted from me. I +say I shall be with her between ten and eleven, for +at that time the jealous, rascally knave her husband +will be forth. Come you to me at night. You +shall know how I speed. + +FORD, [as Brook] I am blessed in your acquaintance. +Do you know Ford, sir? + +FALSTAFF Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know +him not. Yet I wrong him to call him poor. They +say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of +money, for the which his wife seems to me well-favored. +I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly +rogue's coffer, and there's my harvest home. + +FORD, [as Brook] I would you knew Ford, sir, that you +might avoid him if you saw him. + +FALSTAFF Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I +will stare him out of his wits. I will awe him with +my cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o'er the +cuckold's horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I +will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt +lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford's +a knave, and I will aggravate his style. Thou, Master +Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold. +Come to me soon at night. [Falstaff exits.] + +FORD What a damned epicurean rascal is this! My +heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says +this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent +to him, the hour is fixed, the match is made. +Would any man have thought this? See the hell of +having a false woman: my bed shall be abused, my +coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at. And +I shall not only receive this villainous wrong but +stand under the adoption of abominable terms, +and by him that does me this wrong. Terms, +names! "Amaimon" sounds well, "Lucifer" well, +"Barbason" well; yet they are devils' additions, the +names of fiends. But "Cuckold," "Wittoll," "Cuckold"! +The devil himself hath not such a name. Page +is an ass, a secure ass. He will trust his wife, he will +not be jealous. I will rather trust a Fleming with +my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my +cheese, an Irishman with my aquavitae bottle, or +a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife +with herself. Then she plots, then she ruminates, +then she devises; and what they think in their +hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts +but they will effect. God be praised for my jealousy! +Eleven o'clock the hour. I will prevent this, +detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh +at Page. I will about it. Better three hours too soon +than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! Cuckold, cuckold, +cuckold! +[He exits.] + +Scene 3 +======= +[Enter Doctor Caius and Rugby.] + + +DOCTOR CAIUS Jack Rugby. + +RUGBY Sir? + +DOCTOR CAIUS Vat is the clock, Jack? + +RUGBY 'Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised +to meet. + +DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, he has save his soul dat he is no +come. He has pray his Pible well dat he is no come. +By gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already if he be +come. + +RUGBY He is wise, sir. He knew your Worship would +kill him if he came. + +DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill +kill him. Take your rapier, Jack. I vill tell you how I +vill kill him. + +RUGBY Alas, sir, I cannot fence. + +DOCTOR CAIUS Villainy, take your rapier. + +RUGBY Forbear. Here's company. + +[Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, and Host.] + + +HOST God bless thee, bully doctor! + +SHALLOW God save you, Master Doctor Caius! + +PAGE Now, good Master Doctor! + +SLENDER Give you good morrow, sir. + +DOCTOR CAIUS Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come +for? + +HOST To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse; +to see thee here, to see thee there; to see +thy pass, thy puncto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy +distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? +Is he dead, my Francisco? Ha, bully? What says +my Aesculapius, my Galien, my heart of elder, ha? +Is he dead, bully stale? Is he dead? + +DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, he is de coward jack-priest of de +vorld. He is not show his face. + +HOST Thou art a Castalion King Urinal Hector of +Greece, my boy! + +DOCTOR CAIUS I pray you, bear witness that me have +stay six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is +no come. + +SHALLOW He is the wiser man, Master Doctor. He is a +curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies. If you +should fight, you go against the hair of your professions.-- +Is it not true, Master Page? + +PAGE Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great +fighter, though now a man of peace. + +SHALLOW Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old +and of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger +itches to make one. Though we are justices and +doctors and churchmen, Master Page, we have +some salt of our youth in us. We are the sons of +women, Master Page. + +PAGE 'Tis true, Master Shallow. + +SHALLOW It will be found so, Master Page.--Master +Doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am +sworn of the peace. You have showed yourself a +wise physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself +a wise and patient churchman. You must go with +me, Master Doctor. + +HOST Pardon, guest Justice. [(To Caius.)] A word, +Monsieur Mockwater. + +DOCTOR CAIUS "Mockvater"? Vat is dat? + +HOST "Mockwater," in our English tongue, is "valor," +bully. + +DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, then I have as much mockvater +as de Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! By gar, +me vill cut his ears. + +HOST He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully. + +DOCTOR CAIUS "Clapper-de-claw"? Vat is dat? + +HOST That is, he will make thee amends. + +DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw +me, for, by gar, me vill have it. + +HOST And I will provoke him to 't, or let him wag. + +DOCTOR CAIUS Me tank you for dat. + +HOST And moreover, bully--[(He draws Shallow, Page, +and Slender aside.)] But first, Master guest, and +Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, go you +through the town to Frogmore. + +PAGE Sir Hugh is there, is he? + +HOST He is there. See what humor he is in; and I will +bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do +well? + +SHALLOW We will do it. + +PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER Adieu, good Master +Doctor. [Page, Shallow, and Slender exit.] + +DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, me vill kill de priest, for he speak +for a jackanape to Anne Page. + +HOST Let him die. Sheathe thy impatience; throw cold +water on thy choler. Go about the fields with me +through Frogmore. I will bring thee where Mistress +Anne Page is, at a farmhouse a-feasting, and +thou shalt woo her. Cried game! Said I well? + +DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, me dank you vor dat. By gar, I +love you, and I shall procure-a you de good guest: +de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my +patients. + +HOST For the which I will be thy adversary toward +Anne Page. Said I well? + +DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, 'tis good. Vell said. + +HOST Let us wag, then. + +DOCTOR CAIUS Come at my heels, Jack Rugby. +[They exit.] + + +ACT 3 +===== + +Scene 1 +======= +[Enter Sir Hugh Evans (with a book and a sword) +and Simple (carrying Sir Hugh's gown).] + + +SIR HUGH I pray you now, good Master Slender's servingman +and friend Simple by your name, which +way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls +himself doctor of physic? + +SIMPLE Marry, sir, the Petty-ward, the Park-ward, +every way; Old Windsor way, and every way but +the town way. + +SIR HUGH I most fehemently desire you, you will also +look that way. + +SIMPLE I will, sir. [He exits.] + +SIR HUGH Pless my soul, how full of cholers I am, and +trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived +me. How melancholies I am! I will knog his +urinals about his knave's costard when I have good +opportunities for the 'ork. Pless my soul! +[Sings.] + To shallow rivers, to whose falls + Melodious birds sings madrigals. + There will we make our peds of roses + And a thousand fragrant posies. + To shallow-- +Mercy on me, I have a great dispositions to cry. +[Sings.] + Melodious birds sing madrigals-- + Whenas I sat in Pabylon-- + And a thousand vagram posies. + To shallow rivers, to whose falls + Melodious birds sings madrigals. + +[Enter Simple.] + + +SIMPLE Yonder he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh. + +SIR HUGH He's welcome. +[Sings.] + To shallow rivers, to whose falls-- +Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he? + +SIMPLE No weapons, sir. There comes my master, +Master Shallow, and another gentleman, from +Frogmore, over the stile, this way. + +SIR HUGH Pray you, give me my gown--or else keep it +in your arms. + +[Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender.] + + +SHALLOW How now, Master Parson? Good morrow, +good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, +and a good student from his book, and it is +wonderful. + +SLENDER, [aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page! + +PAGE God save you, good Sir Hugh! + +SIR HUGH God pless you from His mercy sake, all of +you! + +SHALLOW What, the sword and the word? Do you +study them both, Master Parson? + +PAGE And youthful still--in your doublet and hose +this raw rheumatic day? + +SIR HUGH There is reasons and causes for it. + +PAGE We are come to you to do a good office, Master +Parson. + +SIR HUGH Fery well. What is it? + +PAGE Yonder is a most reverend gentleman who, belike +having received wrong by some person, is at +most odds with his own gravity and patience that +ever you saw. + +SHALLOW I have lived fourscore years and upward. I +never heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning +so wide of his own respect. + +SIR HUGH What is he? + +PAGE I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the +renowned French physician. + +SIR HUGH Got's will and His passion of my heart! I had +as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge. + +PAGE Why? + +SIR HUGH He has no more knowledge in Hibbocrates +and Galen--and he is a knave besides, a cowardly +knave as you would desires to be acquainted +withal. + +PAGE, [to Shallow] I warrant you, he's the man should +fight with him. + +SLENDER, [aside] O, sweet Anne Page! + +SHALLOW It appears so by his weapons. Keep them +asunder. Here comes Doctor Caius. + +[Enter Host, Doctor Caius, and Rugby. +Caius and Sir Hugh offer to fight.] + + +PAGE Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon. + +SHALLOW So do you, good Master Doctor. + +HOST Disarm them, and let them question. Let them +keep their limbs whole and hack our English. +[Page and Shallow disarm Caius and Sir Hugh.] + +DOCTOR CAIUS, [to Sir Hugh] I pray you, let-a me speak +a word with your ear. Verefore vill you not +meet-a me? + +SIR HUGH, [aside to Caius] Pray you, use your patience. +[(Aloud.)] In good time. + +DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, +John ape. + +SIR HUGH, [aside to Caius] Pray you, let us not be +laughing-stocks to other men's humors. I desire +you in friendship, and I will one way or other +make you amends. [(Aloud.)] By Jeshu, I will knog +your urinal about your knave's cogscomb. + +DOCTOR CAIUS Diable! Jack Rugby, mine Host de Jarteer, +have I not stay for him to kill him? Have I not, +at de place I did appoint? + +SIR HUGH As I am a Christians soul, now look you, this +is the place appointed. I'll be judgment by mine +Host of the Garter. + +HOST Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh, +soul-curer and body-curer! + +DOCTOR CAIUS Ay, dat is very good, excellent. + +HOST Peace, I say! Hear mine Host of the Garter. Am +I politic? Am I subtle? Am I a Machiavel? Shall I +lose my doctor? No, he gives me the potions and +the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my +Sir Hugh? No, he gives me the proverbs and the +no-verbs. [(To Caius.)] Give me thy hand, terrestrial; +so. [(To Sir Hugh.)] Give me thy hand, celestial; +so. Boys of art, I have deceived you both. I +have directed you to wrong places. Your hearts are +mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be +the issue. [(To Page and Shallow.)] Come, lay their +swords to pawn. [(To Caius and Sir Hugh.)] Follow +me, lads of peace, follow, follow, follow. +[Host exits.] + +SHALLOW Afore God, a mad Host. Follow, gentlemen, +follow. + +SLENDER, [aside] O, sweet Anne Page! +[Shallow, Page, and Slender exit.] + +DOCTOR CAIUS Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a +de sot of us, ha, ha? + +SIR HUGH This is well! He has made us his vloutingstog. +I desire you that we may be friends, and let +us knog our prains together to be revenge on this +same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the Host of +the Garter. + +DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, with all my heart. He promise +to bring me where is Anne Page. By gar, he deceive +me too. + +SIR HUGH Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you, +follow. +[Sir Hugh, Caius, Simple, and Rugby exit.] + +Scene 2 +======= +[Enter Robin followed by Mistress Page.] + + +MISTRESS PAGE Nay, keep your way, little gallant. You +were wont to be a follower, but now you are a +leader. Whether had you rather--lead mine eyes, +or eye your master's heels? + +ROBIN I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man +than follow him like a dwarf. + +MISTRESS PAGE O, you are a flattering boy! Now I see +you'll be a courtier. + +[Enter Ford.] + + +FORD Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you? + +MISTRESS PAGE Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at +home? + +FORD Ay, and as idle as she may hang together, for +want of company. I think if your husbands were +dead, you two would marry. + +MISTRESS PAGE Be sure of that--two other husbands. + +FORD Where had you this pretty weathercock? + +MISTRESS PAGE I cannot tell what the dickens his name +is my husband had him of.--What do you call your +knight's name, sirrah? + +ROBIN Sir John Falstaff. + +FORD Sir John Falstaff! + +MISTRESS PAGE He, he. I can never hit on 's name. +There is such a league between my goodman and +he. Is your wife at home indeed? + +FORD Indeed, she is. + +MISTRESS PAGE By your leave, sir. I am sick till I see +her. [Mistress Page and Robin exit.] + +FORD Has Page any brains? Hath he any eyes? Hath +he any thinking? Sure they sleep; he hath no use +of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty +mile as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank +twelve score. He pieces out his wife's inclination. +He gives her folly motion and advantage. And now +she's going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. +A man may hear this shower sing in the wind. And +Falstaff's boy with her! Good plots they are laid, +and our revolted wives share damnation together. +Well, I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck +the borrowed veil of modesty from the so-seeming +Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure +and willful Acteon, and to these violent proceedings +all my neighbors shall cry aim. [A clock +strikes.] The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance +bids me search. There I shall find Falstaff. I +shall be rather praised for this than mocked, for it +is as positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is +there. I will go. + +[Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Sir Hugh +Evans, Doctor Caius, and Rugby.] + + +SHALLOW, PAGE, ETC. Well met, Master Ford. + +FORD Trust me, a good knot. I have good cheer at +home, and I pray you all go with me. + +SHALLOW I must excuse myself, Master Ford. + +SLENDER And so must I, sir. We have appointed to dine +with Mistress Anne, and I would not break with +her for more money than I'll speak of. + +SHALLOW We have lingered about a match between +Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we +shall have our answer. + +SLENDER I hope I have your good will, Father Page. + +PAGE You have, Master Slender. I stand wholly for +you.--But my wife, Master Doctor, is for you +altogether. + +DOCTOR CAIUS Ay, be-gar, and de maid is love-a me! My +nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush. + +HOST, [to Page] What say you to young Master Fenton? +He capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth, he +writes verses, he speaks holiday, he smells April +and May. He will carry 't, he will carry 't. 'Tis in his +buttons he will carry 't. + +PAGE Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman +is of no having. He kept company with the +wild Prince and Poins. He is of too high a region; +he knows too much. No, he shall not knit a knot in +his fortunes with the finger of my substance. If he +take her, let him take her simply. The wealth I have +waits on my consent, and my consent goes not that +way. + +FORD I beseech you heartily, some of you go home +with me to dinner. Besides your cheer, you shall +have sport: I will show you a monster. Master Doctor, +you shall go.--So shall you, Master Page.-- +And you, Sir Hugh. + +SHALLOW Well, fare you well. We shall have the freer +wooing at Master Page's. +[Shallow and Slender exit.] + +DOCTOR CAIUS Go home, John Rugby. I come anon. +[Rugby exits.] + +HOST Farewell, my hearts. I will to my honest knight +Falstaff, and drink canary with him. [He exits.] + +FORD, [aside] I think I shall drink in pipe-wine first +with him; I'll make him dance.--Will you go, +gentles? + +PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH Have with you to +see this monster. +[They exit.] + +Scene 3 +======= +[Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page.] + + +MISTRESS FORD What, John! What, Robert! + +MISTRESS PAGE Quickly, quickly! Is the buck-basket-- + +MISTRESS FORD I warrant.--What, Robert, I say! + +[Enter John and Robert with a large buck-basket.] + + +MISTRESS PAGE Come, come, come. + +MISTRESS FORD Here, set it down. + +MISTRESS PAGE Give your men the charge. We must be +brief. + +MISTRESS FORD Marry, as I told you before, John and +Robert, be ready here hard by in the brewhouse, +and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and +without any pause or staggering take this basket +on your shoulders. That done, trudge with it in all +haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet +Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close +by the Thames side. + +MISTRESS PAGE You will do it? + +MISTRESS FORD I ha' told them over and over. They lack +no direction.--Be gone, and come when you are +called. [John and Robert exit.] + +MISTRESS PAGE Here comes little Robin. + +[Enter Robin.] + + +MISTRESS FORD How now, my eyas-musket? What news +with you? + +ROBIN My master, Sir John, is come in at your back +door, Mistress Ford, and requests your company. + +MISTRESS PAGE You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been +true to us? + +ROBIN Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your +being here and hath threatened to put me into +everlasting liberty if I tell you of it, for he swears +he'll turn me away. + +MISTRESS PAGE Thou 'rt a good boy. This secrecy of +thine shall be a tailor to thee and shall make thee a +new doublet and hose.--I'll go hide me. + +MISTRESS FORD Do so.--Go tell thy master I am alone. +[(Robin exits.)] Mistress Page, remember you your +cue. + +MISTRESS PAGE I warrant thee. If I do not act it, hiss +me. [She exits.] + +MISTRESS FORD Go to, then. We'll use this unwholesome +humidity, this gross-wat'ry pumpion. We'll +teach him to know turtles from jays. + +[Enter Sir John Falstaff.] + + +FALSTAFF "Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel?" +Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough. +This is the period of my ambition. O, this blessed +hour! + +MISTRESS FORD O, sweet Sir John! + +FALSTAFF Mistress Ford, I cannot cog. I cannot prate, +Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would +thy husband were dead. I'll speak it before the best +lord: I would make thee my lady. + +MISTRESS FORD I your lady, Sir John? Alas, I should be +a pitiful lady. + +FALSTAFF Let the court of France show me such +another. I see how thine eye would emulate the +diamond. Thou hast the right arched beauty of the +brow that becomes the ship-tire, the tire-valiant, +or any tire of Venetian admittance. + +MISTRESS FORD A plain kerchief, Sir John. My brows +become nothing else, nor that well neither. + +FALSTAFF Thou art a tyrant to say so. Thou wouldst +make an absolute courtier, and the firm fixture of +thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait +in a semicircled farthingale. I see what thou wert, +if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature thy friend. +Come, thou canst not hide it. + +MISTRESS FORD Believe me, there's no such thing in +me. + +FALSTAFF What made me love thee? Let that persuade +thee. There's something extraordinary in thee. +Come, I cannot cog and say thou art this and that +like a many of these lisping hawthorn buds that +come like women in men's apparel and smell like +Bucklersbury in simple time. I cannot. But I love +thee, none but thee; and thou deserv'st it. + +MISTRESS FORD Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love +Mistress Page. + +FALSTAFF Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by +the Counter gate, which is as hateful to me as the +reek of a lime-kiln. + +MISTRESS FORD Well, heaven knows how I love you, +and you shall one day find it. + +FALSTAFF Keep in that mind. I'll deserve it. + +MISTRESS FORD Nay, I must tell you, so you do, or else +I could not be in that mind. + +[Enter Robin.] + + +ROBIN Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! Here's Mistress +Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking +wildly, and would needs speak with you +presently. + +FALSTAFF She shall not see me. I will ensconce me behind +the arras. + +MISTRESS FORD Pray you, do so. She's a very tattling +woman. [Falstaff stands behind the arras.] + +[Enter Mistress Page.] + +What's the matter? How now? + +MISTRESS PAGE O Mistress Ford, what have you done? +You're shamed, you're overthrown, you're undone +forever! + +MISTRESS FORD What's the matter, good Mistress Page? + +MISTRESS PAGE O well-a-day, Mistress Ford, having an +honest man to your husband, to give him such +cause of suspicion! + +MISTRESS FORD What cause of suspicion? + +MISTRESS PAGE What cause of suspicion? Out upon you! +How am I mistook in you! + +MISTRESS FORD Why, alas, what's the matter? + +MISTRESS PAGE Your husband's coming hither, woman, +with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman +that he says is here now in the house, by +your consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence. +You are undone. + +MISTRESS FORD 'Tis not so, I hope. + +MISTRESS PAGE Pray heaven it be not so, that you have +such a man here! But 'tis most certain your husband's +coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to +search for such a one. I come before to tell you. If +you know yourself clear, why, I am glad of it. But if +you have a friend here, convey, convey him out. Be +not amazed! Call all your senses to you; defend +your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life +forever. + +MISTRESS FORD What shall I do? There is a gentleman, +my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame so +much as his peril. I had rather than a thousand +pound he were out of the house. + +MISTRESS PAGE For shame! Never stand "you had +rather" and "you had rather." Your husband's here +at hand. Bethink you of some conveyance. In the +house you cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived +me! Look, here is a basket. If he be of any +reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and +throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to +bucking. Or--it is whiting time--send him by your +two men to Datchet Mead. + +MISTRESS FORD He's too big to go in there. What shall I +do? [Falstaff comes forward.] + +FALSTAFF Let me see 't, let me see 't! O, let me see 't! I'll +in, I'll in. Follow your friend's counsel. I'll in. + +MISTRESS PAGE What, Sir John Falstaff? [(Aside to +him.)] Are these your letters, knight? + +FALSTAFF, [aside to Mistress Page] I love thee. Help me +away. Let me creep in here. I'll never-- + +[Falstaff goes into the basket; they cover +him with dirty clothes.] + + + +MISTRESS PAGE, [to Robin] Help to cover your master, +boy.--Call your men, Mistress Ford.--You dissembling +knight! [Robin exits.] + +MISTRESS FORD What, John! Robert! John! + +[Enter Robert and John.] + +Go, take up these clothes here quickly. Where's the +cowlstaff? Look how you drumble! Carry them to +the laundress in Datchet Mead. Quickly! Come. + +[Enter Ford, Page, Doctor Caius, +and Sir Hugh Evans.] + + +FORD Pray you, come near. If I suspect without cause, +why then make sport at me. Then let me be your +jest; I deserve it.--How now? Whither bear you +this? + +ROBERT and JOHN To the laundress, forsooth. + +MISTRESS FORD Why, what have you to do whither they +bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing! + +FORD Buck? I would I could wash myself of the buck. +Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck! I warrant you, buck, +and of the season too, it shall appear. +[Robert and John exit with the buck-basket.] +Gentlemen, I have dreamed tonight; I'll tell you my +dream. Here, here, here be my keys. Ascend my +chambers. Search, seek, find out. I'll warrant we'll +unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first. [(He +locks the door.)] So, now uncape. + +PAGE Good Master Ford, be contented. You wrong +yourself too much. + +FORD True, Master Page.--Up, gentlemen. You shall +see sport anon. Follow me, gentlemen. [He exits.] + +SIR HUGH This is fery fantastical humors and +jealousies. + +DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France. It is +not jealous in France. + +PAGE Nay, follow him, gentlemen. See the issue of his +search. [Page, Sir Hugh, and Caius exit.] + +MISTRESS PAGE Is there not a double excellency in this? + +MISTRESS FORD I know not which pleases me better-- +that my husband is deceived, or Sir John. + +MISTRESS PAGE What a taking was he in when your +husband asked who was in the basket! + +MISTRESS FORD I am half afraid he will have need of +washing, so throwing him into the water will do +him a benefit. + +MISTRESS PAGE Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all +of the same strain were in the same distress. + +MISTRESS FORD I think my husband hath some special +suspicion of Falstaff's being here, for I never saw +him so gross in his jealousy till now. + +MISTRESS PAGE I will lay a plot to try that, and we will +yet have more tricks with Falstaff. His dissolute +disease will scarce obey this medicine. + +MISTRESS FORD Shall we send that foolish carrion Mistress +Quickly to him, and excuse his throwing into +the water, and give him another hope, to betray +him to another punishment? + +MISTRESS PAGE We will do it. Let him be sent for tomorrow +eight o'clock to have amends. + +[Enter Ford, Page, Doctor Caius, and Sir Hugh.] + + +FORD I cannot find him. Maybe the knave bragged of +that he could not compass. + +MISTRESS PAGE, [aside to Mistress Ford] Heard you +that? + +MISTRESS FORD You use me well, Master Ford, do you? + +FORD Ay, I do so. + +MISTRESS FORD Heaven make you better than your +thoughts! + +FORD Amen! + +MISTRESS PAGE You do yourself mighty wrong, Master +Ford. + +FORD Ay, ay. I must bear it. + +SIR HUGH If there be anypody in the house, and in the +chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, +heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment! + +DOCTOR CAIUS Be gar, nor I too. There is nobodies. + +PAGE Fie, fie, Master Ford, are you not ashamed? +What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? +I would not ha' your distemper in this kind for the +wealth of Windsor Castle. + +FORD 'Tis my fault, Master Page. I suffer for it. + +SIR HUGH You suffer for a pad conscience. Your wife is +as honest a 'omans as I will desires among five +thousand, and five hundred too. + +DOCTOR CAIUS By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman. + +FORD Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, +walk in the park. I pray you, pardon me. I will +hereafter make known to you why I have done +this.--Come, wife--come, Mistress Page, I pray +you, pardon me. Pray, heartily, pardon me. +[Mistress Page and Mistress Ford exit.] + +PAGE, [to Caius and Sir Hugh] Let's go in, gentlemen. +But, trust me, we'll mock him. [(To Ford, Caius, +and Sir Hugh.)] I do invite you tomorrow morning +to my house to breakfast. After, we'll a-birding together; +I have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be +so? + +FORD Anything. + +SIR HUGH If there is one, I shall make two in the +company. + +DOCTOR CAIUS If there be one or two, I shall make-a the +turd. + +FORD Pray you, go, Master Page. +[Ford and Page exit.] + +SIR HUGH I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on +the lousy knave mine Host. + +DOCTOR CAIUS Dat is good, by gar, with all my heart. + +SIR HUGH A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his +mockeries! +[They exit.] + +Scene 4 +======= +[Enter Fenton and Anne Page.] + + +FENTON +I see I cannot get thy father's love; +Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan. + +ANNE +Alas, how then? + +FENTON Why, thou must be thyself. +He doth object I am too great of birth, +And that, my state being galled with my expense, +I seek to heal it only by his wealth. +Besides these, other bars he lays before me-- +My riots past, my wild societies-- +And tells me 'tis a thing impossible +I should love thee but as a property. + +ANNE Maybe he tells you true. + +FENTON +No, heaven so speed me in my time to come! +Albeit I will confess thy father's wealth +Was the first motive that I wooed thee, Anne, +Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value +Than stamps in gold or sums in sealed bags. +And 'tis the very riches of thyself +That now I aim at. + +ANNE Gentle Master Fenton, +Yet seek my father's love, still seek it, sir. +If opportunity and humblest suit +Cannot attain it, why then--hark you hither. +[They talk aside.] + +[Enter Shallow, Slender, and Mistress Quickly.] + + +SHALLOW Break their talk, Mistress Quickly. My kinsman +shall speak for himself. + +SLENDER I'll make a shaft or a bolt on 't. 'Slid, 'tis but +venturing. + +SHALLOW Be not dismayed. + +SLENDER No, she shall not dismay me. I care not for +that, but that I am afeard. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY, [to Anne] Hark ye, Master Slender +would speak a word with you. + +ANNE +I come to him. [(Aside.)] This is my father's choice. +O, what a world of vile ill-favored faults +Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a year! + +MISTRESS QUICKLY And how does good Master Fenton? +Pray you, a word with you. [They talk aside.] + +SHALLOW, [to Slender] She's coming. To her, coz! O +boy, thou hadst a father! + +SLENDER I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can +tell you good jests of him.--Pray you, uncle, tell +Mistress Anne the jest how my father stole two +geese out of a pen, good uncle. + +SHALLOW Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you. + +SLENDER Ay, that I do, as well as I love any woman in +Gloucestershire. + +SHALLOW He will maintain you like a gentlewoman. + +SLENDER Ay, that I will, come cut and longtail, under +the degree of a squire. + +SHALLOW He will make you a hundred and fifty +pounds jointure. + +ANNE Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself. + +SHALLOW Marry, I thank you for it. I thank you for that +good comfort.--She calls you, coz. I'll leave you. +[He steps aside.] + +ANNE Now, Master Slender. + +SLENDER Now, good Mistress Anne. + +ANNE What is your will? + +SLENDER My will? 'Od's heartlings, that's a pretty jest +indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven. I +am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise. + +ANNE I mean, Master Slender, what would you with +me? + +SLENDER Truly, for mine own part, I would little or +nothing with you. Your father and my uncle hath +made motions. If it be my luck, so; if not, happy +man be his dole. They can tell you how things go +better than I can. You may ask your father. + +[Enter Page and Mistress Page.] + +Here he comes. + +PAGE +Now, Master Slender.--Love him, daughter Anne.-- +Why, how now? What does Master Fenton here? +You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house. +I told you, sir, my daughter is disposed of. + +FENTON +Nay, Master Page, be not impatient. + +MISTRESS PAGE +Good Master Fenton, come not to my child. + +PAGE She is no match for you. + +FENTON Sir, will you hear me? + +PAGE No, good Master Fenton.-- +Come Master Shallow.--Come, son Slender, in.-- +Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton. +[Page, Shallow, and Slender exit.] + +MISTRESS QUICKLY, [to Fenton] Speak to Mistress Page. + +FENTON +Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter +In such a righteous fashion as I do, +Perforce, against all checks, rebukes, and manners, +I must advance the colors of my love +And not retire. Let me have your good will. + +ANNE +Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool. + +MISTRESS PAGE +I mean it not; I seek you a better husband. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY That's my master, Master Doctor. + +ANNE +Alas, I had rather be set quick i' th' earth +And bowled to death with turnips! + +MISTRESS PAGE +Come, trouble not yourself.--Good Master Fenton, +I will not be your friend nor enemy. +My daughter will I question how she loves you, +And as I find her, so am I affected. +Till then, farewell, sir. She must needs go in; +Her father will be angry. + +FENTON +Farewell, gentle mistress.--Farewell, Nan. +[Mistress Page and Anne Page exit.] + +MISTRESS QUICKLY This is my doing now. "Nay," said I, +"will you cast away your child on a fool and a +physician? Look on Master Fenton." This is my +doing. + +FENTON +I thank thee; and I pray thee, once tonight +Give my sweet Nan this ring. There's for thy pains. +[He gives her money and a ring.] + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Now heaven send thee good fortune. +[Fenton exits.] +A kind heart he hath. A woman would run through +fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet I +would my master had Mistress Anne, or I would +Master Slender had her, or, in sooth, I would Master +Fenton had her. I will do what I can for them all +three; for so I have promised and I'll be as good as +my word--but speciously for Master Fenton. Well, +I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff from +my two mistresses. What a beast am I to slack it! +[She exits.] + +Scene 5 +======= +[Enter Sir John Falstaff.] + + +FALSTAFF Bardolph, I say! + +[Enter Bardolph.] + + +BARDOLPH Here, sir. + +FALSTAFF Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in 't. +[Bardolph exits.] +Have I lived to be carried in a basket like a barrow +of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the Thames? +Well, if I be served such another trick, I'll have my +brains ta'en out and buttered, and give them to a +dog for a New Year's gift. 'Sblood, the rogues +slighted me into the river with as little remorse as +they would have drowned a blind bitch's puppies, +fifteen i' th' litter! And you may know by my size +that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom +were as deep as hell, I should down. I had +been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and +shallow--a death that I abhor, for the water swells +a man, and what a thing should I have been when +I had been swelled! By the Lord, I should have +been a mountain of mummy. + +[Enter Bardolph with cups of sack.] + + +BARDOLPH Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with +you. + +FALSTAFF Come, let me pour in some sack to the +Thames water, for my belly's as cold as if I had +swallowed snowballs for pills to cool the reins. [He +drinks.] Call her in. + +BARDOLPH Come in, woman. + +[Enter Mistress Quickly.] + + +MISTRESS QUICKLY By your leave, I cry you mercy. Give +your Worship good morrow. + +FALSTAFF, [to Bardolph] Take away these chalices. Go +brew me a pottle of sack finely. + +BARDOLPH With eggs, sir? + +FALSTAFF Simple of itself. I'll no pullet sperm in my +brewage. [Bardolph exits.] +How now? + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Marry, sir, I come to your Worship +from Mistress Ford. + +FALSTAFF Mistress Ford? I have had ford enough. I +was thrown into the ford, I have my belly full of +ford. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Alas the day, good heart, that was +not her fault. She does so take on with her men; +they mistook their erection. + +FALSTAFF So did I mine, to build upon a foolish +woman's promise. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it +would yearn your heart to see it. Her husband goes +this morning a-birding; she desires you once more +to come to her, between eight and nine. I must +carry her word quickly. She'll make you amends, I +warrant you. + +FALSTAFF Well, I will visit her. Tell her so. And bid her +think what a man is. Let her consider his frailty, +and then judge of my merit. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY I will tell her. + +FALSTAFF Do so. Between nine and ten, say'st thou? + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Eight and nine, sir. + +FALSTAFF Well, be gone. I will not miss her. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Peace be with you, sir. +[Mistress Quickly exits.] + +FALSTAFF I marvel I hear not of Master Brook. He +sent me word to stay within. I like his money well. + +[Enter Ford disguised as Brook.] + +O, here he comes. + +FORD, [as Brook] God bless you, sir. + +FALSTAFF Now, Master Brook, you come to know +what hath passed between me and Ford's wife. + +FORD, [as Brook] That indeed, Sir John, is my +business. + +FALSTAFF Master Brook, I will not lie to you. I was at +her house the hour she appointed me. + +FORD, [as Brook] And sped you, sir? + +FALSTAFF Very ill-favoredly, Master Brook. + +FORD, [as Brook] How so, sir? Did she change her +determination? + +FALSTAFF No, Master Brook, but the peaking cornuto +her husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual +'larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of +our encounter, after we had embraced, kissed, +protested, and, as it were, spoke the prologue of +our comedy, and, at his heels, a rabble of his companions, +thither provoked and instigated by his +distemper, and, forsooth, to search his house for +his wife's love. + +FORD, [as Brook] What, while you were there? + +FALSTAFF While I was there. + +FORD, [as Brook] And did he search for you and could +not find you? + +FALSTAFF You shall hear. As good luck would have it, +comes in one Mistress Page, gives intelligence of +Ford's approach, and, in her invention and Ford's +wife's distraction, they conveyed me into a +buck-basket. + +FORD, [as Brook] A buck-basket! + +FALSTAFF By the Lord, a buck-basket! Rammed me +in with foul shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, +greasy napkins, that, Master Brook, there +was the rankest compound of villainous smell that +ever offended nostril. + +FORD, [as Brook] And how long lay you there? + +FALSTAFF Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I +have suffered to bring this woman to evil for your +good. Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple +of Ford's knaves, his hinds, were called forth by +their mistress to carry me in the name of foul +clothes to Datchet Lane. They took me on their +shoulders, met the jealous knave their master in +the door, who asked them once or twice what they +had in their basket. I quaked for fear lest the lunatic +knave would have searched it, but fate, ordaining +he should be a cuckold, held his hand. +Well, on went he for a search, and away went I for +foul clothes. But mark the sequel, Master Brook. +I suffered the pangs of three several deaths: first, +an intolerable fright to be detected with a jealous +rotten bellwether; next, to be compassed, like a +good bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to +point, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in, like +a strong distillation, with stinking clothes that fretted +in their own grease. Think of that, a man of my +kidney--think of that--that am as subject to heat +as butter; a man of continual dissolution and thaw. +It was a miracle to 'scape suffocation. And in +the height of this bath, when I was more than half-stewed +in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be thrown +into the Thames and cooled, glowing hot, in that +surge, like a horseshoe! Think of that--hissing +hot--think of that, Master Brook. + +FORD, [as Brook] In good sadness, sir, I am sorry that +for my sake you have suffered all this. My suit, +then, is desperate. You'll undertake her no more? + +FALSTAFF Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, +as I have been into Thames, ere I will leave her +thus. Her husband is this morning gone a-birding. +I have received from her another embassy of meeting. +'Twixt eight and nine is the hour, Master +Brook. + +FORD, [as Brook] 'Tis past eight already, sir. + +FALSTAFF Is it? I will then address me to my appointment. +Come to me at your convenient leisure, +and you shall know how I speed; and the conclusion +shall be crowned with your enjoying her. +Adieu. You shall have her, Master Brook. Master +Brook, you shall cuckold Ford. [Falstaff exits.] + +FORD Hum! Ha! Is this a vision? Is this a dream? Do I +sleep? Master Ford, awake! Awake, Master Ford! +There's a hole made in your best coat, Master +Ford. This 'tis to be married; this 'tis to have linen +and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself +what I am. I will now take the lecher. He is at my +house. He cannot 'scape me. 'Tis impossible he +should. He cannot creep into a half-penny purse, +nor into a pepper-box. But lest the devil that +guides him should aid him, I will search impossible +places. Though what I am I cannot avoid, yet to +be what I would not shall not make me tame. If I +have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go +with me: I'll be horn-mad. +[He exits.] + + +ACT 4 +===== + +Scene 1 +======= +[Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Quickly, and William.] + + +MISTRESS PAGE Is he at Master Ford's already, think'st +thou? + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Sure he is by this, or will be presently. +But truly he is very courageous mad about +his throwing into the water. Mistress Ford desires +you to come suddenly. + +MISTRESS PAGE I'll be with her by and by. I'll but bring +my young man here to school. + +[Enter Sir Hugh Evans.] + +Look where his master comes. 'Tis a playing day, I +see.--How now, Sir Hugh, no school today? + +SIR HUGH No. Master Slender is let the boys leave to +play. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Blessing of his heart! + +MISTRESS PAGE Sir Hugh, my husband says my son +profits nothing in the world at his book. I pray you, +ask him some questions in his accidence. + +SIR HUGH Come hither, William. Hold up your head. +Come. + +MISTRESS PAGE Come on, sirrah. Hold up your head. +Answer your master. Be not afraid. + +SIR HUGH William, how many numbers is in nouns? + +WILLIAM Two. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Truly, I thought there had been one +number more, because they say " 'Od's nouns." + +SIR HUGH Peace your tattlings!--What is "fair," +William? + +WILLIAM Pulcher. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Polecats? There are fairer things +than polecats, sure. + +SIR HUGH You are a very simplicity 'oman. I pray you, +peace.--What is lapis, William? + +WILLIAM A stone. + +SIR HUGH And what is "a stone," William? + +WILLIAM A pebble. + +SIR HUGH No. It is lapis. I pray you, remember in your +prain. + +WILLIAM Lapis. + +SIR HUGH That is a good William. What is he, William, +that does lend articles? + +WILLIAM Articles are borrowed of the pronoun and be +thus declined: singulariter, nominativo, hic, haec, +hoc. + +SIR HUGH Nominativo, hig, haeg, hog. Pray you, mark: +genitivo, huius. Well, what is your accusative case? + +WILLIAM Accusativo, hinc. + +SIR HUGH I pray you, have your remembrance, child. +Accusativo, hung, hang, hog. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY "Hang-hog" is Latin for bacon, I +warrant you. + +SIR HUGH Leave your prabbles, 'oman.--What is the +focative case, William? + +WILLIAM O--vocativo--O-- + +SIR HUGH Remember, William, focative is caret. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY And that's a good root. + +SIR HUGH 'Oman, forbear. + +MISTRESS PAGE, [to Mistress Quickly] Peace! + +SIR HUGH What is your genitive case plural, William? + +WILLIAM Genitive case? + +SIR HUGH Ay. + +WILLIAM Genitive: horum, harum, horum. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Vengeance of Ginny's case! Fie on +her! Never name her, child, if she be a whore. + +SIR HUGH For shame, 'oman! + +MISTRESS QUICKLY You do ill to teach the child such +words.--He teaches him to hick and to hack, +which they'll do fast enough of themselves, and to +call "whorum."--Fie upon you! + +SIR HUGH 'Oman, art thou lunatics? Hast thou no understandings +for thy cases and the numbers of the +genders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as +I would desires. + +MISTRESS PAGE, [to Mistress Quickly] Prithee, hold thy +peace. + +SIR HUGH Show me now, William, some declensions of +your pronouns. + +WILLIAM Forsooth, I have forgot. + +SIR HUGH It is qui, quae, quod. If you forget your qui's, +your quae's, and your quod's, you must be +preeches. Go your ways and play, go. + +MISTRESS PAGE He is a better scholar than I thought he +was. + +SIR HUGH He is a good sprag memory. Farewell, Mistress +Page. + +MISTRESS PAGE Adieu, good Sir Hugh.--Get you home, +boy. [(To Mistress Quickly.)] Come. We stay too +long. +[They exit.] + +Scene 2 +======= +[Enter Sir John Falstaff and Mistress Ford.] + + +FALSTAFF Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up +my sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your +love, and I profess requital to a hair's breadth, not +only, Mistress Ford, in the simple office of love, +but in all the accoutrement, compliment, and ceremony +of it. But are you sure of your husband now? + +MISTRESS FORD He's a-birding, sweet Sir John. + +MISTRESS PAGE, [within] What ho, gossip Ford! What +ho! + +MISTRESS FORD Step into th' chamber, Sir John. +[Falstaff exits.] + +[Enter Mistress Page.] + + +MISTRESS PAGE How now, sweetheart, who's at home +besides yourself? + +MISTRESS FORD Why, none but mine own people. + +MISTRESS PAGE Indeed? + +MISTRESS FORD No, certainly. [Aside to her.] Speak +louder. + +MISTRESS PAGE Truly, I am so glad you have nobody +here. + +MISTRESS FORD Why? + +MISTRESS PAGE Why, woman, your husband is in his +old lunes again. He so takes on yonder with my +husband, so rails against all married mankind, so +curses all Eve's daughters of what complexion soever, +and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying +"Peer out, peer out!" that any madness I ever yet +beheld seemed but tameness, civility, and patience +to this his distemper he is in now. I am glad the fat +knight is not here. + +MISTRESS FORD Why, does he talk of him? + +MISTRESS PAGE Of none but him, and swears he was +carried out, the last time he searched for him, in a +basket; protests to my husband he is now here; +and hath drawn him and the rest of their company +from their sport to make another experiment of +his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is not here. +Now he shall see his own foolery. + +MISTRESS FORD How near is he, Mistress Page? + +MISTRESS PAGE Hard by, at street end. He will be here +anon. + +MISTRESS FORD I am undone! The knight is here. + +MISTRESS PAGE Why then, you are utterly shamed, and +he's but a dead man. What a woman are you! Away +with him, away with him! Better shame than +murder. + +MISTRESS FORD Which way should he go? How should +I bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket +again? + +[Enter Sir John Falstaff.] + + +FALSTAFF No, I'll come no more i' th' basket. May I not +go out ere he come? + +MISTRESS PAGE Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers +watch the door with pistols, that none shall issue +out. Otherwise you might slip away ere he came. +But what make you here? + +FALSTAFF What shall I do? I'll creep up into the +chimney. + +MISTRESS FORD There they always use to discharge +their birding pieces. + +MISTRESS PAGE Creep into the kiln-hole. + +FALSTAFF Where is it? + +MISTRESS FORD He will seek there, on my word. Neither +press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he +hath an abstract for the remembrance of such +places, and goes to them by his note. There is no +hiding you in the house. + +FALSTAFF I'll go out, then. + +MISTRESS PAGE If you go out in your own semblance, +you die, Sir John--unless you go out disguised. + +MISTRESS FORD How might we disguise him? + +MISTRESS PAGE Alas the day, I know not. There is no +woman's gown big enough for him; otherwise he +might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and +so escape. + +FALSTAFF Good hearts, devise something. Any extremity +rather than a mischief. + +MISTRESS FORD My maid's aunt, the fat woman of +Brentford, has a gown above. + +MISTRESS PAGE On my word, it will serve him. She's as +big as he is. And there's her thrummed hat and her +muffler too.--Run up, Sir John. + +MISTRESS FORD Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page +and I will look some linen for your head. + +MISTRESS PAGE Quick, quick! We'll come dress you +straight. Put on the gown the while. +[Falstaff exits.] + +MISTRESS FORD I would my husband would meet him +in this shape. He cannot abide the old woman of +Brentford. He swears she's a witch, forbade her my +house, and hath threatened to beat her. + +MISTRESS PAGE Heaven guide him to thy husband's +cudgel, and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards! + +MISTRESS FORD But is my husband coming? + +MISTRESS PAGE Ay, in good sadness is he, and talks of +the basket too, howsoever he hath had +intelligence. + +MISTRESS FORD We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men +to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door +with it as they did last time. + +MISTRESS PAGE Nay, but he'll be here presently. Let's go +dress him like the witch of Brentford. + +MISTRESS FORD I'll first direct my men what they shall +do with the basket. Go up. I'll bring linen for him +straight. [She exits.] + +MISTRESS PAGE Hang him, dishonest varlet! We cannot +misuse him enough. +We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do, +Wives may be merry and yet honest too. +We do not act that often jest and laugh; +'Tis old but true: "Still swine eats all the draff." +[She exits.] + +[Enter Mistress Ford with Robert and John, +who bring the buck-basket.] + + +MISTRESS FORD Go, sirs, take the basket again on your +shoulders. Your master is hard at door. If he bid +you set it down, obey him. Quickly, dispatch. +[She exits.] + +ROBERT Come, come, take it up. + +JOHN Pray heaven it be not full of knight again. + +ROBERT I hope not. I had lief as bear so much lead. +[They pick up the basket.] + +[Enter Ford, Page, Doctor Caius, Sir Hugh +Evans, and Shallow.] + + +FORD Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you +any way then to unfool me again?--Set down the +basket, villain. [They put the basket down.] Somebody +call my wife. Youth in a basket! O, you panderly +rascals! There's a knot, a gang, a pack, a +conspiracy against me. Now shall the devil be +shamed.--What, wife, I say! Come, come forth! +Behold what honest clothes you send forth to +bleaching! + +PAGE Why, this passes, Master Ford! You are not to go +loose any longer; you must be pinioned. + +SIR HUGH Why, this is lunatics. This is mad as a mad +dog. + +SHALLOW Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed. + +FORD So say I too, sir. + +[Enter Mistress Ford.] + +Come hither, Mistress Ford.--Mistress Ford, the +honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, +that hath the jealous fool to her husband!--I +suspect without cause, mistress, do I? + +MISTRESS FORD Heaven be my witness you do, if you +suspect me in any dishonesty. + +FORD Well said, brazen-face. Hold it out.--Come +forth, sirrah. [He pulls clothes out of the basket.] + +PAGE This passes. + +MISTRESS FORD Are you not ashamed? Let the clothes +alone. + +FORD I shall find you anon. + +SIR HUGH 'Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your +wife's clothes? Come, away. + +FORD, [to the Servants] Empty the basket, I say. + +MISTRESS FORD Why, man, why? + +FORD Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed +out of my house yesterday in this basket. +Why may not he be there again? In my house I am +sure he is. My intelligence is true, my jealousy is +reasonable.--Pluck me out all the linen. + +MISTRESS FORD If you find a man there, he shall die a +flea's death. [Robert and John empty the basket.] + +PAGE Here's no man. + +SHALLOW By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford. +This wrongs you. + +SIR HUGH Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow +the imaginations of your own heart. This is +jealousies. + +FORD Well, he's not here I seek for. + +PAGE No, nor nowhere else but in your brain. + +FORD Help to search my house this one time. If I find +not what I seek, show no color for my extremity. +Let me forever be your table-sport. Let them say of +me "As jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow +walnut for his wife's leman." Satisfy me once +more. Once more search with me. +[Robert and John refill the basket and carry it off.] + +MISTRESS FORD, [calling offstage] What ho, Mistress +Page! Come you and the old woman down. My +husband will come into the chamber. + +FORD "Old woman"? What old woman's that? + +MISTRESS FORD Why, it is my maid's aunt of Brentford. + +FORD A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have +I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands, +does she? We are simple men; we do not know +what's brought to pass under the profession of +fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells, by +th' figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond our +element. We know nothing.-- Come down, you +witch, you hag, you! Come down, I say! +[Ford seizes a cudgel.] + +MISTRESS FORD Nay, good sweet husband!--Good gentlemen, +let him not strike the old woman. + +[Enter Mistress Page and Sir John Falstaff disguised +as an old woman.] + + +MISTRESS PAGE Come, Mother Pratt; come, give me +your hand. + +FORD I'll pratt her. [(He beats Falstaff.)] Out of my +door, you witch, you rag, you baggage, you polecat, +you runnion! Out, out! I'll conjure you, I'll +fortune-tell you! [Falstaff exits.] + +MISTRESS PAGE Are you not ashamed? I think you have +killed the poor woman. + +MISTRESS FORD Nay, he will do it.--'Tis a goodly credit +for you. + +FORD Hang her, witch! + +SIR HUGH By yea and no, I think the 'oman is a witch +indeed. I like not when a 'oman has a great peard. +I spy a great peard under her muffler. + +FORD Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow. +See but the issue of my jealousy. If I cry out +thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open +again. + +PAGE Let's obey his humor a little further. Come, +gentlemen. +[Ford, Page, Caius, Sir Hugh, and Shallow exit.] + +MISTRESS PAGE Trust me, he beat him most pitifully. + +MISTRESS FORD Nay, by th' Mass, that he did not; he +beat him most unpitifully, methought. + +MISTRESS PAGE I'll have the cudgel hallowed and hung +o'er the altar. It hath done meritorious service. + +MISTRESS FORD What think you? May we, with the +warrant of womanhood and the witness of a good +conscience, pursue him with any further revenge? + +MISTRESS PAGE The spirit of wantonness is, sure, +scared out of him. If the devil have him not in fee +simple, with fine and recovery, he will never, I +think, in the way of waste, attempt us again. + +MISTRESS FORD Shall we tell our husbands how we +have served him? + +MISTRESS PAGE Yes, by all means--if it be but to scrape +the figures out of your husband's brains. If they +can find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat +knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will +still be the ministers. + +MISTRESS FORD I'll warrant they'll have him publicly +shamed, and methinks there would be no period to +the jest should he not be publicly shamed. + +MISTRESS PAGE Come, to the forge with it, then shape +it. I would not have things cool. +[They exit.] + +Scene 3 +======= +[Enter Host and Bardolph.] + + +BARDOLPH Sir, the Germans desire to have three of +your horses. The Duke himself will be tomorrow at +court, and they are going to meet him. + +HOST What duke should that be comes so secretly? I +hear not of him in the court. Let me speak with the +gentlemen. They speak English? + +BARDOLPH Ay, sir. I'll call them to you. + +HOST They shall have my horses, but I'll make them +pay. I'll sauce them. They have had my house a +week at command; I have turned away my other +guests. They must come off. I'll sauce them. Come. +[They exit.] + +Scene 4 +======= +[Enter Page, Ford, Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and +Sir Hugh Evans.] + + +SIR HUGH 'Tis one of the best discretions of a 'oman as +ever I did look upon. + +PAGE And did he send you both these letters at an +instant? + +MISTRESS PAGE Within a quarter of an hour. + +FORD +Pardon me, wife. Henceforth do what thou wilt. +I rather will suspect the sun with cold +Than thee with wantonness. Now doth thy honor +stand, +In him that was of late an heretic, +As firm as faith. + +PAGE 'Tis well, 'tis well. No more. +Be not as extreme in submission as in offense. +But let our plot go forward. Let our wives +Yet once again, to make us public sport, +Appoint a meeting with this old fat fellow, +Where we may take him and disgrace him for it. + +FORD +There is no better way than that they spoke of. + +PAGE How, to send him word they'll meet him in the +park at midnight? Fie, fie, he'll never come. + +SIR HUGH You say he has been thrown in the rivers +and has been grievously peaten as an old 'oman. +Methinks there should be terrors in him, that he +should not come. Methinks his flesh is punished; +he shall have no desires. + +PAGE So think I too. + +MISTRESS FORD +Devise but how you'll use him when he comes, +And let us two devise to bring him thither. + +MISTRESS PAGE +There is an old tale goes that Herne the Hunter, +Sometime a keeper here in Windsor Forest, +Doth all the wintertime, at still midnight, +Walk round about an oak, with great ragged horns, +And there he blasts the tree, and takes the cattle, +And makes milch-kine yield blood, and shakes a +chain +In a most hideous and dreadful manner. +You have heard of such a spirit, and well you know +The superstitious idle-headed eld +Received and did deliver to our age +This tale of Herne the Hunter for a truth. + +PAGE +Why, yet there want not many that do fear +In deep of night to walk by this Herne's oak. +But what of this? + +MISTRESS FORD Marry, this is our device, +That Falstaff at that oak shall meet with us. + +PAGE +Well, let it not be doubted but he'll come. +And in this shape when you have brought him +thither, +What shall be done with him? What is your plot? + +MISTRESS PAGE +That likewise have we thought upon, and thus: +Nan Page my daughter, and my little son, +And three or four more of their growth we'll dress +Like urchins, aufs, and fairies, green and white, +With rounds of waxen tapers on their heads +And rattles in their hands. Upon a sudden, +As Falstaff, she, and I are newly met, +Let them from forth a sawpit rush at once +With some diffused song. Upon their sight, +We two in great amazedness will fly. +Then let them all encircle him about, +And, fairy-like, to pinch the unclean knight, +And ask him why, that hour of fairy revel, +In their so sacred paths he dares to tread +In shape profane. + +FORD And till he tell the truth, +Let the supposed fairies pinch him sound +And burn him with their tapers. + +MISTRESS PAGE The truth being known, +We'll all present ourselves, dis-horn the spirit, +And mock him home to Windsor. + +FORD The children must +Be practiced well to this, or they'll ne'er do 't. + +SIR HUGH I will teach the children their behaviors, and +I will be like a jackanapes also, to burn the knight +with my taber. + +FORD That will be excellent. I'll go buy them vizards. + +MISTRESS PAGE +My Nan shall be the queen of all the fairies, +Finely attired in a robe of white. + +PAGE +That silk will I go buy. [(Aside.)] And in that time +Shall Master Slender steal my Nan away +And marry her at Eton.--Go, send to Falstaff +straight. + +FORD +Nay, I'll to him again in name of Brook. +He'll tell me all his purpose. Sure he'll come. + +MISTRESS PAGE +Fear not you that. Go get us properties +And tricking for our fairies. + +SIR HUGH Let us about it. It is admirable pleasures and +fery honest knaveries. +[Page, Ford, and Sir Hugh exit.] + +MISTRESS PAGE Go, Mistress Ford, +Send quickly to Sir John to know his mind. +[Mistress Ford exits.] +I'll to the doctor. He hath my good will, +And none but he, to marry with Nan Page. +That Slender, though well-landed, is an idiot, +And he my husband best of all affects. +The doctor is well-moneyed, and his friends +Potent at court. He, none but he, shall have her, +Though twenty thousand worthier come to crave her. +[She exits.] + +Scene 5 +======= +[Enter Host and Simple.] + + +HOST What wouldst thou have, boor? What, thickskin? +Speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, +snap. + +SIMPLE Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff +from Master Slender. + +HOST There's his chamber, his house, his castle, his +standing-bed and truckle-bed. 'Tis painted about +with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go, +knock and call. He'll speak like an Anthropophaginian +unto thee. Knock, I say. + +SIMPLE There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up +into his chamber. I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she +come down. I come to speak with her, indeed. + +HOST Ha? A fat woman? The knight may be robbed. +I'll call.--Bully knight! Bully Sir John! Speak from +thy lungs military. Art thou there? It is thine Host, +thine Ephesian, calls. + +FALSTAFF, [within] How now, mine Host? + +HOST Here's a Bohemian Tartar tarries the coming +down of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let +her descend. My chambers are honorable. Fie! Privacy? +Fie! + +[Enter Sir John Falstaff.] + + +FALSTAFF There was, mine Host, an old fat woman +even now with me, but she's gone. + +SIMPLE Pray you, sir, was 't not the wise woman of +Brentford? + +FALSTAFF Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell. What would +you with her? + +SIMPLE My master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her, +seeing her go through the streets, to know, sir, +whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, +had the chain or no. + +FALSTAFF I spake with the old woman about it. + +SIMPLE And what says she, I pray, sir? + +FALSTAFF Marry, she says that the very same man that +beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him +of it. + +SIMPLE I would I could have spoken with the woman +herself. I had other things to have spoken with her +too from him. + +FALSTAFF What are they? Let us know. + +HOST Ay, come. Quick! + +SIMPLE I may not conceal them, sir. + +HOST Conceal them, or thou diest. + +SIMPLE Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress +Anne Page, to know if it were my master's fortune +to have her or no. + +FALSTAFF 'Tis; 'tis his fortune. + +SIMPLE What, sir? + +FALSTAFF To have her or no. Go. Say the woman told +me so. + +SIMPLE May I be bold to say so, sir? + +FALSTAFF Ay, sir; like who more bold. + +SIMPLE I thank your Worship. I shall make my master +glad with these tidings. [He exits.] + +HOST Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was +there a wise woman with thee? + +FALSTAFF Ay, that there was, mine Host, one that hath +taught me more wit than ever I learned before in +my life. And I paid nothing for it neither, but was +paid for my learning. + +[Enter Bardolph.] + + +BARDOLPH, [to Host] Out, alas, sir, cozenage, mere +cozenage! + +HOST Where be my horses? Speak well of them, +varletto. + +BARDOLPH Run away with the cozeners. For so soon as +I came beyond Eton, they threw me off from behind +one of them in a slough of mire, and set +spurs, and away, like three German devils, three +Doctor Faustuses. + +HOST They are gone but to meet the Duke, villain. Do +not say they be fled. Germans are honest men. + +[Enter Sir Hugh Evans.] + + +SIR HUGH Where is mine Host? + +HOST What is the matter, sir? + +SIR HUGH Have a care of your entertainments. There is +a friend of mine come to town tells me there is +three cozen-Germans that has cozened all the +hosts of Readings, of Maidenhead, of Colnbrook, +of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look +you. You are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, +and 'tis not convenient you should be cozened. +Fare you well. [He exits.] + +[Enter Doctor Caius.] + + +DOCTOR CAIUS Vere is mine Host de Jarteer? + +HOST Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful +dilemma. + +DOCTOR CAIUS I cannot tell vat is dat. But it is tell-a me +dat you make grand preparation for a duke de +Jamanie. By my trot, dere is no duke that the court +is know to come. I tell you for good will. Adieu. +[He exits.] + +HOST, [to Bardolph] Hue and cry, villain, go!--Assist +me, knight. I am undone.--Fly, run; hue and cry, +villain! I am undone. [Host and Bardolph exit.] + +FALSTAFF I would all the world might be cozened, for I +have been cozened and beaten too. If it should +come to the ear of the court how I have been transformed, +and how my transformation hath been +washed and cudgeled, they would melt me out of +my fat drop by drop, and liquor fishermen's boots +with me. I warrant they would whip me with their +fine wits till I were as crestfallen as a dried pear. I +never prospered since I forswore myself at +primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough, I +would repent. + +[Enter Mistress Quickly.] + +Now, whence come you? + +MISTRESS QUICKLY From the two parties, forsooth. + +FALSTAFF The devil take one party, and his dam the +other, and so they shall be both bestowed. I have +suffered more for their sakes, more than the villainous +inconstancy of man's disposition is able to +bear. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY And have not they suffered? Yes, I +warrant, speciously one of them. Mistress Ford, +good heart, is beaten black and blue that you cannot +see a white spot about her. + +FALSTAFF What tell'st thou me of black and blue? I was +beaten myself into all the colors of the rainbow, +and I was like to be apprehended for the witch of +Brentford. But that my admirable dexterity of wit, +my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered +me, the knave constable had set me i' th' +stocks, i' th' common stocks, for a witch. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY Sir, let me speak with you in your +chamber. You shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, +to your content. Here is a letter will say +somewhat. [She gives him a paper.] Good hearts, +what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, one +of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so +crossed. + +FALSTAFF Come up into my chamber. +[They exit.] + +Scene 6 +======= +[Enter Fenton and Host.] + + +HOST Master Fenton, talk not to me. My mind is +heavy. I will give over all. + +FENTON +Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose, +And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give thee +A hundred pound in gold more than your loss. + +HOST I will hear you, Master Fenton, and I will, at the +least, keep your counsel. + +FENTON +From time to time I have acquainted you +With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page, +Who mutually hath answered my affection, +So far forth as herself might be her chooser, +Even to my wish. I have a letter from her +Of such contents as you will wonder at, +The mirth whereof so larded with my matter +That neither singly can be manifested +Without the show of both. Fat Falstaff +Hath a great scene; the image of the jest +I'll show you here at large. [He shows the Host a +paper.] Hark, good mine Host: +Tonight at Herne's oak, just 'twixt twelve and one, +Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen-- +The purpose why is here--in which disguise, +While other jests are something rank on foot, +Her father hath commanded her to slip +Away with Slender, and with him at Eton +Immediately to marry. She hath consented. Now, sir, +Her mother, ever strong against that match +And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed +That he shall likewise shuffle her away, +While other sports are tasking of their minds, +And at the dean'ry, where a priest attends, +Straight marry her. To this her mother's plot +She, seemingly obedient, likewise hath +Made promise to the doctor. Now, thus it rests: +Her father means she shall be all in white, +And in that habit, when Slender sees his time +To take her by the hand and bid her go, +She shall go with him. Her mother hath intended +The better to denote her to the doctor-- +For they must all be masked and vizarded-- +That quaint in green she shall be loose enrobed, +With ribbons pendent flaring 'bout her head; +And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe, +To pinch her by the hand, and on that token +The maid hath given consent to go with him. + +HOST +Which means she to deceive, father or mother? + +FENTON +Both, my good Host, to go along with me. +And here it rests, that you'll procure the vicar +To stay for me at church 'twixt twelve and one, +And, in the lawful name of marrying, +To give our hearts united ceremony. + +HOST +Well, husband your device. I'll to the vicar. +Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest. + +FENTON +So shall I evermore be bound to thee; +Besides, I'll make a present recompense. +[They exit.] + + +ACT 5 +===== + +Scene 1 +======= +[Enter Sir John Falstaff and Mistress Quickly.] + + +FALSTAFF Prithee, no more prattling. Go. I'll hold. This +is the third time; I hope good luck lies in odd numbers. +Away, go. They say there is divinity in odd +numbers, either in nativity, chance, or death. +Away. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY I'll provide you a chain, and I'll do +what I can to get you a pair of horns. + +FALSTAFF Away, I say! Time wears. Hold up your head, +and mince. [Mistress Quickly exits.] + +[Enter Ford disguised as Brook.] + +How now, Master Brook! Master Brook, the +matter will be known tonight or never. Be you in +the park about midnight, at Herne's oak, and you +shall see wonders. + +FORD, [as Brook] Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as +you told me you had appointed? + +FALSTAFF I went to her, Master Brook, as you see, +like a poor old man, but I came from her, Master +Brook, like a poor old woman. That same knave +Ford, her husband, hath the finest mad devil of +jealousy in him, Master Brook, that ever governed +frenzy. I will tell you, he beat me grievously, +in the shape of a woman; for in the shape of man, +Master Brook, I fear not Goliath with a weaver's +beam, because I know also life is a shuttle. I am in +haste. Go along with me; I'll tell you all, Master +Brook. Since I plucked geese, played truant, and +whipped top, I knew not what 'twas to be beaten +till lately. Follow me. I'll tell you strange things of +this knave Ford, on whom tonight I will be revenged, +and I will deliver his wife into your hand. +Follow. Strange things in hand, Master Brook! +Follow. +[They exit.] + +Scene 2 +======= +[Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender.] + + +PAGE Come, come. We'll couch i' th' castle ditch till we +see the light of our fairies.--Remember, son Slender, +my-- + +SLENDER Ay, forsooth, I have spoke with her, and we +have a nayword how to know one another. I come +to her in white and cry "mum," she cries "budget," +and by that we know one another. + +SHALLOW That's good too. But what needs either your +"mum" or her "budget"? The white will decipher +her well enough. It hath struck ten o'clock. + +PAGE The night is dark. Light and spirits will become +it well. Heaven prosper our sport! No man means +evil but the devil, and we shall know him by his +horns. Let's away. Follow me. +[They exit.] + +Scene 3 +======= +[Enter Mistress Page, Mistress Ford, and Doctor Caius.] + + +MISTRESS PAGE Master Doctor, my daughter is in +green. When you see your time, take her by the +hand; away with her to the deanery, and dispatch +it quickly. Go before into the park. We two must go +together. + +DOCTOR CAIUS I know vat I have to do. Adieu. + +MISTRESS PAGE Fare you well, sir. [Caius exits.] +My husband will not rejoice so much at the abuse +of Falstaff as he will chafe at the doctor's marrying +my daughter. But 'tis no matter. Better a little chiding +than a great deal of heartbreak. + +MISTRESS FORD Where is Nan now, and her troop of +fairies, and the Welsh devil Hugh? + +MISTRESS PAGE They are all couched in a pit hard by +Herne's oak, with obscured lights, which, at the +very instant of Falstaff's and our meeting, they will +at once display to the night. + +MISTRESS FORD That cannot choose but amaze him. + +MISTRESS PAGE If he be not amazed, he will be +mocked. If he be amazed, he will every way be +mocked. + +MISTRESS FORD We'll betray him finely. + +MISTRESS PAGE +Against such lewdsters and their lechery, +Those that betray them do no treachery. + +MISTRESS FORD The hour draws on. To the oak, to the +oak! +[They exit.] + +Scene 4 +======= +[Enter Sir Hugh Evans and boys disguised, +like him, as Fairies.] + + +SIR HUGH Trib, trib, fairies! Come, and remember +your parts. Be pold, I pray you. Follow me into the +pit, and when I give the watch-'ords, do as I pid +you. Come, come; trib, trib. [They exit.] + +Scene 5 +======= +[Enter Sir John Falstaff wearing a buck's head.] + + +FALSTAFF The Windsor bell hath struck twelve. The +minute draws on. Now, the hot-blooded gods assist +me! Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy +Europa; love set on thy horns. O powerful love, +that in some respects makes a beast a man, in +some other a man a beast! You were also, Jupiter, +a swan for the love of Leda. O omnipotent love, +how near the god drew to the complexion of a +goose! A fault done first in the form of a beast; O +Jove, a beastly fault! And then another fault in the +semblance of a fowl; think on 't, Jove, a foul fault. +When gods have hot backs, what shall poor men +do? For me, I am here a Windsor stag, and the fattest, +I think, i' th' forest. Send me a cool rut-time, +Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow? + +[Enter Mistress Page and Mistress Ford.] + +Who comes here? My doe? + +MISTRESS FORD Sir John? Art thou there, my deer, my +male deer? + +FALSTAFF My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rain +potatoes, let it thunder to the tune of "Greensleeves," +hail kissing-comfits, and snow eryngoes; let there +come a tempest of provocation, I will shelter me +here. [He embraces her.] + +MISTRESS FORD Mistress Page is come with me, +sweetheart. + +FALSTAFF Divide me like a bribed buck, each a haunch. +I will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for +the fellow of this walk, and my horns I bequeath +your husbands. Am I a woodman, ha? Speak I like +Herne the Hunter? Why, now is Cupid a child of +conscience; he makes restitution. As I am a true +spirit, welcome. [A noise of horns within.] + +MISTRESS PAGE Alas, what noise? + +MISTRESS FORD Heaven forgive our sins! + +FALSTAFF What should this be? + +MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE Away, away. +[The two women run off.] + +FALSTAFF I think the devil will not have me damned, +lest the oil that's in me should set hell on fire. He +would never else cross me thus. + +[Enter Mistress Quickly, Pistol, Sir Hugh Evans, +Anne Page and boys, all disguised as Fairies and +carrying tapers.] + + +MISTRESS QUICKLY, [as Fairy Queen] +Fairies black, gray, green, and white, +You moonshine revelers and shades of night, +You orphan heirs of fixed destiny, +Attend your office and your quality. +Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyes. + +PISTOL, [as Hobgoblin] +Elves, list your names. Silence, you airy toys!-- +Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap, +Where fires thou find'st unraked and hearths +unswept. +There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry. +Our radiant queen hates sluts and sluttery. + +FALSTAFF, [aside] +They are fairies. He that speaks to them shall die. +I'll wink and couch. No man their works must eye. +[He crouches down and covers his eyes.] + +SIR HUGH, [as a fairy] +Where's Bead? Go you, and where you find a maid +That ere she sleep has thrice her prayers said, +Raise up the organs of her fantasy; +Sleep she as sound as careless infancy. +But those as sleep and think not on their sins, +Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides, and +shins. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY, [as Fairy Queen] About, about! +Search Windsor Castle, elves, within and out. +Strew good luck, aufs, on every sacred room, +That it may stand till the perpetual doom +In state as wholesome as in state 'tis fit, +Worthy the owner, and the owner it. +The several chairs of order look you scour +With juice of balm and every precious flower. +Each fair installment, coat, and sev'ral crest +With loyal blazon evermore be blest! +And nightly, meadow fairies, look you sing, +Like to the Garter's compass, in a ring. +Th' expressure that it bears, green let it be, +More fertile-fresh than all the field to see; +And Honi soit qui mal y pense write +In em'rald tufts, flowers purple, blue, and white, +Like sapphire, pearl, and rich embroidery, +Buckled below fair knighthood's bending knee. +Fairies use flowers for their charactery. +Away, disperse! But till 'tis one o'clock, +Our dance of custom round about the oak +Of Herne the Hunter let us not forget. + +SIR HUGH, [as a fairy] +Pray you, lock hand in hand. Yourselves in order set; +And twenty glowworms shall our lanterns be, +To guide our measure round about the tree. +But stay! I smell a man of Middle Earth. + +FALSTAFF, [aside] Heavens defend me from that Welsh +fairy, lest he transform me to a piece of cheese. + +PISTOL, [as Hobgoblin, to Falstaff] +Vile worm, thou wast o'erlooked even in thy birth. + +MISTRESS QUICKLY, [as Fairy Queen, to Sir Hugh] +With trial-fire touch me his finger-end. +If he be chaste, the flame will back descend +And turn him to no pain. But if he start, +It is the flesh of a corrupted heart. + +PISTOL, [as Hobgoblin] +A trial, come! + +SIR HUGH, [as a fairy] Come, will this wood take fire? +[Sir Hugh puts a taper to Falstaff's finger, and he starts.] + +FALSTAFF O, O, O! + +MISTRESS QUICKLY, [as Fairy Queen] +Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire! +About him, fairies. Sing a scornful rhyme, +And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time. + +[Here they pinch him and sing about him, and Doctor +Caius comes one way and steals away a boy in white. +And Slender comes another way; he takes a boy in +green. And Fenton steals Mistress Anne Page.] + + +FAIRIES [sing] + Fie on sinful fantasy! + Fie on lust and luxury! + Lust is but a bloody fire + Kindled with unchaste desire, + Fed in heart whose flames aspire + As thoughts do blow them higher and higher. + Pinch him, fairies, mutually; + Pinch him for his villainy. +Pinch him and burn him and turn him about, +Till candles and starlight and moonshine be out. + +[A noise of hunting is made within, and all the fairies +run away from Falstaff, who pulls off his buck's head +and rises up. Enter Page, Mistress Page, +Mistress Ford and Ford.] + + +PAGE, [to Falstaff] +Nay, do not fly. I think we have watched you now. +Will none but Herne the Hunter serve your turn? + +MISTRESS PAGE +I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higher.-- +Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives? +[She points to the horns.] +See you these, husband? Do not these fair yokes +Become the forest better than the town? + +FORD, [to Falstaff] Now, sir, who's a cuckold now? +Master Brook, Falstaff's a knave, a cuckoldly +knave. Here are his horns, Master Brook. And, +Master Brook, he hath enjoyed nothing of Ford's +but his buck-basket, his cudgel, and twenty +pounds of money, which must be paid to Master +Brook. His horses are arrested for it, Master +Brook. + +MISTRESS FORD Sir John, we have had ill luck. We +could never meet. I will never take you for my love +again, but I will always count you my deer. + +FALSTAFF I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass. + +FORD Ay, and an ox too. Both the proofs are extant. + +FALSTAFF And these are not fairies. I was three or four +times in the thought they were not fairies; and yet +the guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprise of +my powers, drove the grossness of the foppery into +a received belief, in despite of the teeth of all +rhyme and reason, that they were fairies. See now +how wit may be made a Jack-a-Lent when 'tis upon +ill employment. + +SIR HUGH Sir John Falstaff, serve Got and leave your +desires, and fairies will not pinse you. + +FORD Well said, Fairy Hugh. + +SIR HUGH And leave you your jealousies too, I pray +you. + +FORD I will never mistrust my wife again till thou art +able to woo her in good English. + +FALSTAFF Have I laid my brain in the sun and dried it, +that it wants matter to prevent so gross o'erreaching +as this? Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too? +Shall I have a coxcomb of frieze? 'Tis time I were +choked with a piece of toasted cheese. + +SIR HUGH Seese is not good to give putter. Your belly is +all putter. + +FALSTAFF "Seese" and "putter"? Have I lived to stand at +the taunt of one that makes fritters of English? +This is enough to be the decay of lust and late +walking through the realm. + +MISTRESS PAGE Why, Sir John, do you think though we +would have thrust virtue out of our hearts by the +head and shoulders, and have given ourselves +without scruple to hell, that ever the devil could +have made you our delight? + +FORD What, a hodge-pudding? A bag of flax? + +MISTRESS PAGE A puffed man? + +PAGE Old, cold, withered, and of intolerable entrails? + +FORD And one that is as slanderous as Satan? + +PAGE And as poor as Job? + +FORD And as wicked as his wife? + +SIR HUGH And given to fornications, and to taverns, +and sack, and wine, and metheglins, and to drinkings +and swearings and starings, pribbles and +prabbles? + +FALSTAFF Well, I am your theme. You have the start of +me. I am dejected. I am not able to answer the +Welsh flannel. Ignorance itself is a plummet o'er +me. Use me as you will. + +FORD Marry, sir, we'll bring you to Windsor to one +Master Brook, that you have cozened of money, +to whom you should have been a pander. Over and +above that you have suffered, I think to repay that +money will be a biting affliction. + +PAGE Yet be cheerful, knight. Thou shalt eat a posset +tonight at my house, where I will desire thee to +laugh at my wife, that now laughs at thee. Tell her +Master Slender hath married her daughter. + +MISTRESS PAGE, [aside] Doctors doubt that. If Anne +Page be my daughter, she is, by this, Doctor Caius' +wife. + +[Enter Slender.] + + +SLENDER Whoa, ho, ho, Father Page! + +PAGE Son, how now! How now, son! Have you +dispatched? + +SLENDER "Dispatched"? I'll make the best in Gloucestershire +know on 't. Would I were hanged, la, else! + +PAGE Of what, son? + +SLENDER I came yonder at Eton to marry Mistress +Anne Page, and she's a great lubberly boy. If it had +not been i' th' church, I would have swinged him, +or he should have swinged me. If I did not think it +had been Anne Page, would I might never stir! And +'tis a post-master's boy. + +PAGE Upon my life, then, you took the wrong-- + +SLENDER What need you tell me that? I think so, when +I took a boy for a girl. If I had been married to him, +for all he was in woman's apparel, I would not +have had him. + +PAGE Why, this is your own folly. Did not I tell you +how you should know my daughter by her +garments? + +SLENDER I went to her in white, and cried "mum," +and she cried "budget," as Anne and I had appointed, +and yet it was not Anne, but a post-master's +boy. + +MISTRESS PAGE Good George, be not angry. I knew of +your purpose, turned my daughter into green, +and indeed she is now with the doctor at the deanery, +and there married. + +[Enter Doctor Caius.] + + +DOCTOR CAIUS Vere is Mistress Page? By gar, I am cozened! +I ha' married un garcon, a boy; un paysan, by +gar, a boy. It is not Anne Page. By gar, I am +cozened. + +MISTRESS PAGE Why? Did you take her in green? + +DOCTOR CAIUS Ay, be gar, and 'tis a boy. Be gar, I'll raise +all Windsor. + +FORD This is strange. Who hath got the right Anne? + +[Enter Fenton and Anne Page.] + + +PAGE My heart misgives me. Here comes Master Fenton.-- +How now, Master Fenton! + +ANNE Pardon, good father. Good my mother, pardon. + +PAGE Now, mistress, how chance you went not with +Master Slender? + +MISTRESS PAGE +Why went you not with Master Doctor, maid? + +FENTON +You do amaze her. Hear the truth of it. +You would have married her most shamefully, +Where there was no proportion held in love. +The truth is, she and I, long since contracted, +Are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us. +Th' offense is holy that she hath committed, +And this deceit loses the name of craft, +Of disobedience, or unduteous title, +Since therein she doth evitate and shun +A thousand irreligious cursed hours +Which forced marriage would have brought upon her. + +FORD, [to Page and Mistress Page] +Stand not amazed. Here is no remedy. +In love the heavens themselves do guide the state. +Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate. + +FALSTAFF I am glad, though you have ta'en a special +stand to strike at me, that your arrow hath +glanced. + +PAGE +Well, what remedy? Fenton, heaven give thee joy. +What cannot be eschewed must be embraced. + +FALSTAFF +When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are chased. + +MISTRESS PAGE +Well, I will muse no further.--Master Fenton, +Heaven give you many, many merry days.-- +Good husband, let us every one go home +And laugh this sport o'er by a country fire-- +Sir John and all. + +FORD Let it be so, Sir John. +To Master Brook you yet shall hold your word, +For he tonight shall lie with Mistress Ford. +[They exit.] \ No newline at end of file